cannibalcoalition:

castielcampbell:

danielkanhai:

i hate when customers at work hand me a 100 dollar bill and then scoff when i check the watermark. like, lady, i will break out the counterfeit pen. i’ll draw your god damn portrait over benjamin franklin’s before i make a ruling. i’ll get a second opinion from a coworker on the opposite side of the store. i’ll call the mint like, “heyy…it’s daniel…you guys print any hundreds lately? i got a lady here with a hundred, just making sure it’s one of yours…haha cool just checking. so how are the wife and kids?” the people that make a fuss are always like, obviously rich too and you know that’s why they have a problem. like the nerve of me to doubt a rich person’s money. how dare i lump them in with a normal person with a hundred dollar bill. eventually one of them is going to let it slip. i’ll take the bill from them and go to hold it up to the light or feel it between my fingers or something and they’ll laugh and go, “oh, no, no no no i’m wealthy.”

i had a co-worker catch a counterfeiter. back then we all had “truth teller” pens. and the rule was “anything over a ten gets checked if you’re not comfortable with it” but not everyone did it. but this girl was hard core about her pen. especially if she got a bad feeling from a customer. girlfriend had TWO truth teller pens in case one gave a false positive.

this couple come through her line with a lot of stuff and they acting like they are in a hurry. this was the wrong thing to say to this girl. you say that to her and she goes slower cause it freaks her out.

she finally gets to the end and the guy hands her a bunch of 20′s. first she straightened them out and counted them, and then she took her pen out. when i used it i made a little flower so that i would know that i did it. she made a swirly. the first swirly came back black, the second swirly came back black. she got out the SECOND truth teller pen and scribbled a like down the center of the bills…. black as coal.

she was freaking out. dude look like he was intense. she very politely asked if he had another form of payment as she would not be able to accept his money. “WHY NOT?!”

*gulp*

“cause it’s not real, sir.”

“MONEY IS FUCKING REAL! YOU BETTER GET MANAGEMENT OVER HERE! MY MONEY IS AS GOOD AS ANYONE ELSE!!”

she very quickly walked over to the phone and paged, and her voice, was so tinged with panic that everyone, even CUSTOMERS stopped dead in their tracks and listened to the page. 

you’d never seen a page answered so quickly. it was prolly ringing before she put the phone back on the receiver. “what’s wrong? what’s going on? are you in danger? are you okay?”

and she told them that no, she wasn’t okay,, her customer was screaming and cursing at her and his money wasn’t real and she had no idea what to do now, this wasn’t covered in the CBL’s! 

this got manangement on their feet. “stay call, take a deep breath, we’ll be there in 5 seconds with back up. it’s going to be okay. just breathe.”

which is easier said than done with a man that weighs 150 lbs more than you is screaming his ever loving head off. even the retiree door greeter came over and stood by her just as a show of solidarity, she couldn’t really have done anything, but she was a witness, and sometimes that’s enough to get people to back down.

it must have felt like a hour later, but it was about 2-3 minutes before the store managers came walking down the aisle with the popo trailing behind them. the cops were soooooo happy to see him. 

one member of management took over the register as the other led the cashier off to sit and collect herself, while the cops talked to the guy and eventually arrested both the guy and the girl. (apparently they’d been looking for them)

management was so fucking happy that she caught him because he had like 300 dollars in funny money and she caught him dead to rights. they calmed her down, thanked her profusely, gave her the rest of the day off with pay, and called her bf or mother or someone to get her home, because she was shaking like a leaf and they didn’t want to her to get hurt on her way home.

So yes, i will use my pen when i have too. i’ll hold them fuckers up to the light to make sure that the right pressie is in the corner pocket.

don’t fuck with the money honey it just don’t pay.

One of my favorites was a couple years ago- this lady handed me a hundred dollar bill and I could tell right away that it was a fake. How did I know?

I mean, I could have checked for the watermark or the security strip or I could have checked the bi-chromatic ink, but…

It was legit printed on copy paper. From a home printer. The edges of it were white. The wrinkles were printed on it.

“Excuse me, I need to call my manager real quick.”

The woman drops everything and just bolts out the door. My manager kept the phony bill because it was so hilariously bad.

ionaonie:

lazytechsupport:

abhorrent-roy:

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys:

So just to recap really quickly to be sure I’ve got this right:

• UKvia’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, wants to win a general election, but UKIP are pinching all his voters because they want UKvia to leave the EU, a process hereafter known as Brexit. 
  
• He therefore promises to hold a referendum about the EU that won’t actually be legally binding, but says he’ll stand by the result anyway, so it’s like, practically legally binding.
• He wins his general election. The referendum on Brexit is set for June.
• The campaigning is split into Remain and Leave camps. Political parties are immediately all over the damn place, except UKIP, who literally only exist over this one issue. David Cameron wants to Remain. The Leave camp is headed by Evil Clown Freak Boris Johnson, the former Mayor of London with an impressive cult of personality who wants to be Prime Minister so he can kick out all the Muslims and have his detractors beaten and/or killed, and Nigel Farage, a sort of Haunted Walnut Mask possessed by the soul of an angry Nazi who wants UKvia to be an autocracy or at least to just stop interacting with anyone who is The Wrong Sort, i.e. not white.
• The Leave camp also contains some people we call Lexiters, who want Brexit for left-wing reasons. Unfortunately, they utterly fail to spot that they are being given an overly-simplified binary option and not a nuanced opinion-giving vote, and that they will therefore be siding with and empowering racists.
• The campaigning begins. The Remain camp mostly uses an economic argument. If Brexit happens, they argue, the pound will plummet, causing another recession and also all that European funding our poorest areas receive will vanish. The Leave camp mostly uses an immigration argument. We’re swamped by swarms of immigrants stealing all the jobs, houses and opportunities, they argue, and if we kick them all out you’ll get your jobs and that back.
• These arguments are both targeted at incredibly impoverished people. They hear the first argument - that they’ll be economically worse-off after Brexit - and think, “Things can’t actually get any worse??? So???” They hear the second argument - that there’s a really simple reason that they’re poor and it’ll be fixed by Brexit - and think, “So things can actually get better??? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.”
• Also, the Leave campaign is much richer, and can afford to do far more leafletting through people’s letterboxes. Older people who don’t/can’t use the internet to fact-check are incredibly vulnerable to factual-looking leaflets through the door about the EU, with titles like “The EU - the facts”.
• The main points that the Leavers ultimately push, though, are as follows:
• Let’s close the borders and stop immigration!
  
• We spend £350 million EVERY WEEK on the EU. Let’s spend that on the NHS instead!
• The EU is completely undemocratic, unlike the UKvian Parliament! LET’S TAKE BACK SOVEREIGNTY.
• These are all literally lies.
• All of them.
• Nonetheless, the second one in particular gains traction - it gets emblazoned across the Leave campaign bus, and put on all of their posters when they give speeches.
• The Murdoch-owned newspapers of UKvia, most notably the Daily Mail (the paper that supported Hitler), all peddle these lies ceaselessly, and paint anyone who disagrees as ‘unpatriotic’.
• Meanwhile, Nigel Farage announces that unless the gap between the decisions is 10% or more, he’ll demand another referendum.
• Just before the referendum happens, an MP in the north of England called Jo Cox is gunned down and murdered by a Leaver who shouted “Britain First” as he killed her and owned Nazi memorabilia.
• Anyway, the referendum rolls around, and the following happens:
• Older people overwhelmingly vote to Leave, having been taken in by the Lie Leaflets. 
• Poignantly, some of the poorest areas were incredibly susceptible to being given easy scapegoats for their poverty, and so also vote to Leave.
• A shit-ton of people who don’t actually want to Leave vote to do so because they too have failed to grasp what a binary election is or means, and think that by voting Leave they’ll simply show the government that they’re unhappy with UKvia’s position in the EU.
• Lexiters seeking ideological purity vote to Leave.
• Racists vote to Leave in their droves.
• Young people overwhelmingly vote to Remain.
• The final result is a win for Leave, with 51.9% of the vote to 48.1%.
• Immediately, the pound starts to not so much fall as plummet, taking several other currencies with it.
• Within four hours of the polls closing, the Leavers admit that even though they’ve won, they won’t be able to close the borders.
• THE FIRST LIE IS REVEALED
• The following day, as the result is announced, Nigel Farage appears on national television. Not only does he admit that we won’t actually be spending £350 million a week on the NHS, but he denies ever having said it, and claims he thought it was a mistake that others said it. Photographs immediately circulate of his election bus which had it written on the side, and of speeches he gave in front of posters that said it.
• THE SECOND LIE IS REVEALED
• David Cameron cries, because this was never meant to happen.
• Towards the end of the day - less than 24 hours after the result is called - the Leavers one and all admit that they don’t actually have a plan for this happening. In a bizarre twist, they blame this on David Cameron, a man who, for all his evils, wasn’t actually in their campaign, nor was he the head of a political party that literally only exists for this exact scenario. 
• The already-falling pound now enters freefall, breaking records for how quickly it can sink.
• The Daily Mail publishes a story smugly telling Britain to “take a bow”, and then explains all of the shit that’s now going to hit the fan. Its readers are furious that they weren’t told this before the referendum, and are horrified that they now won’t be able to own and use their French holiday/retirement homes.
• The racists take to the streets in unbridled delight, harrassing and assaulting everyone they think might be foreign, buoyed by the belief that everyone agrees with them. When Remainers try to talk about this, Lexiters suddenly crawl out of the woodwork to try to silence them, squawking about how it’s totes unfair that people think they’re racist for voting Leave. They do not see the irony.
• Meanwhile, millions of people start calling for a second referendum, now that the blatant lies have been revealed. Also, all those ones who voted as a protest are feeling really fucking stupid. And hey, Nigel Farage did say he’d call for a second referendum if the margin between was less than 10%, right?
• Right?
• Riiiiggghhhht?
• WRONG, MOTHER FUCKERS. Leavers who are either racist or tribal about the whole thing start posting memes about how everyone should ‘accept democracy’, and telling Remainers - or Remoaners, as they get rebranded - that ‘you lost, get over it.’ 
• David Cameron meanwhile, having now schismed his country, induced the rise of street-side fascism, exploded his own economy and that of others and plunged the nation into a quagmire of uncertainty and No Plan, falls on his sword and resigns. At least now he might be remembered as the man who destroyed his country rather than the time he face-fucked a dead pig while gazing into the eyes of another Tory.
• Nigel Farage then stands down as head of UKIP.
• No, that needs repeating.
• NIGEL FARAGE STANDS DOWN AS HEAD OF UKIP.
• This is literally the only thing he’s for, but he’s so dramatically incompetent and out of his depth that he has to flee the scene and get someone else to do it.
• Maybe Boris Johnson? No more Cameron, Johnson was a Leaver, now is the time…
• NOPE
• Because he can’t do it either.
• But why?
• Because there is literally no good way of leaving the EU without tanking the economy so hard we all go back to using horses for horse power and return to the barter system. He knew this all along, of course, but like David Cameron and, let’s be fair, everyone else, he didn’t think we would actually leave. So he could back the safely-losing-but-popular-horse and ride into Downing Street as Man of the People. But then it all went wrong and so now he’s on the run.
• Theresa May ascends the throne instead after a two-horse race in which one of the horses had only three legs and got shot before it was halfway in. Theresa May is a Remainer, but she really, really hates human rights and wants to repeal them.
• That’s not hyperbole. She literally wants to remove our human rights.
• In the first sensible political move we’ve seen in months, though, she makes Boris Johnson the Foreign Secretary. This cuts him off from his cult of personality power base, while making him responsible for negotiating our new trade deal with the EU, which as mentioned, is never going to be good. It remains to be seen how effectively she has kneecapped his chances of becoming PM at the next election, but it’s a damn good blow she’s struck, credit where credit’s due.
• Then she sets about trying to repeal the human rights act.
• People - Leavers - start braying about Article 50. Article 50 is what we need to enact to leave the EU formally, but is an odd thing:
• We can trigger it, but withdraw from having done so at any time?
• The referendum was not, as mentioned, legally binding, so May doesn’t actually have to do it. 
• The big question: Should Parliament get to vote on it first? The referendum was not, after all, legally binding. Should Parliament have a say in it?
• Given that the Third Big Lie was that Brexit was about reclaiming UK Sovereignty, you’d think the answer here would be a straightforward ‘yes’.
• The other big question: what the fuck is the plan for leaving? What will our trade deal be? Terms like ‘Hard Brexit’ and ‘Soft brexit’ get thrown around. Everyone is bewildered.
• Then the pound dips lower than the Euro, which is a fucking disaster. UKvia’s newly-instigated minimum wage, designed to be a living wage, comes into play just in time for the costs of living to soar. Big companies start leaving Britain. Jobs become uncertain or are lost.
• Polls show that the number of people who voted Leave but would now vote Remain is now greater than the margin of difference in the actual result. We haven’t even left the EU yet and already everything is going to shit.
• Unilever announce that, owing to how the pound seems to be on a one-way journey to the centre of the fucking Earth, their products will be more expensive. This includes Marmite.
• Marmite, for those who don’t know, is a black tar-like edible paste made of yeast extract that prides itself on splitting people more completely than an ill-planned EU referendum, in that you either love it or hate it.
• It’s vegetarian and it makes things taste like meat, and you can flavour gravy with it.
• I know what you’re thinking but you’re wrong, it’s delicious. Marmite on buttered toast is lush.
• Anyway this makes people go F U C K I N G   M E N T A L. Marmite is a British institution HOW VERY DARE THEY
• People who previously didn’t give two mouldy shits about capitalist production as long as the product was cheap start screaming about how it’s only a problem because Marmite is bottled outside of Britain, meaning import costs. This is easier for them than accepting that their vote caused a Marmite Crisis.
• And then the case of Should Parliament Vote On Article 50? goes to the High Court. 
• The High Court judges rule that yes, the British Parliament should vote on this as well.
• Leavers. Lose. Their. Fucking. Shit.
• People who moaned and wailed about British Sovereignty now moan and wail about the Sovereignty of Britain being protected. Remainers gleefully tell them that ‘you lost. Deal with it.’ They do not see the irony.
• THE THIRD LIE IS REVEALED
• Immediately following the ruling, as if by fucking magic, the pound does a U-turn in its bid to burrow through the planet to Australia, and for the first time since the whole mess began surges up against the dollar.
• The Daily Mail publishes an article stating that it’s an outrage that the High Court ruled this way because one of the judges is “openly gay.”

Is that everything?

You are a beautiful human being for putting this together 👌🏼

Americans take note, do not protest-vote. This shit is the tip of the iceberg.

How is all of this real? Reading it, it should be some really horrifying episode of Yes, Minister. But it’s not. All of this actually happened. 

iwriteaboutfeminism:

sarcasticcynic said:

The RNC has been kind enough to announce that Mike Pence won the debate, to save us all the trouble of watching it. https://twitter.com/politico/status/783450539329716224/photo/1

While I’m not surprised they had something written beforehand, ready to go, I am (well, maybe) a little surprised they slipped up and published it so early. 

Knowing the GOP, they probably won’t even be embarrassed by this, BUT they did really screw up by giving Tim Kaine and his team an hour and a half to prepare more fully for what will apparently be Pence’s two main talking points tonight, “Economy” and “Hillary’s scandals.”