Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
Trauma impels people both to withdraw from close relationships and to seek them desperately. The profound disruption in basic trust, the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the trauma that might be found in social life, all foster withdrawal from close relationships. But the terror of the traumatic event intensifies the need for protective attachments. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others. […]
Traumatized people suffer damage to the basic structures of the self. They lose their trust in themselves, in other people, and in God. Their self-esteem is assaulted by experiences of humiliation, guilt, and helplessness. Their capacity for intimacy is compromised by intense and contradictory feelings of need and fear. The identity they have formed prior to the trauma is irrevocably destroyed.
I just love so much that one of the first things we see Aragorn do is have a ptsd flashback, with a panic attack during their initial meeting in Bree
‘You can do as you like about my reward: take me as a guide or not. But I may say that I know all the lands between the Shire and Misty Mountains, for I have wandered the over them for many years. I am older than I look. I might prove useful. You will have to leave the open road after tonight; for the horsemen will watch it night and day. You may escape from Bree, and be allowed to go forward while the Sun is up; but you won’t go far. They will come on you in the wild, in some dark place where there is no help. Do you wish them to find you? They are terrible!’
The hobbits looked at him, and saw with surprise that his face was drawn as if in pain, and his hands clenched the arms of his chair. The room was very quiet and still, and the light seemed to have grown dim. For a while he sat with unseeing eyes as if walking in distant memory or listening to sounds in the Night far away.
‘There!’ he he cried after a moment, drawing his hand across his brow. ‘Perhaps I know more about these pursuers than you do. You fear them, but you do not fear them enough, yet.’
which is like, he is having a flashback so bad that he is feeling the pain again, he grips the chair tightly to ground himself/it’s a reaction to the adrenaline, and then disassociates hard enough that the hobbits/onlookers can see that he’s not seeing them/isn’t mentally there. he breaks himself out of it, but at that point has panicked hard enough that he has to wipe (presumably sweat off of) his brow.
and, like, yes this is what a panic attack can look like to onlookers because it is often very tight/restrained/drawn inward and while you feel like your heart is racing so fast you might die you might look like you’re just gripping your chair/yourself/the wall/your bag and your eyes are distant
and for that to happen in the second chapter of meeting Aragorn means so much to me because here is a tall, strong man with years of experience, one of the best fighters in Middle-earth, and he’s having a panic attack as one of his introductory actions
and it’s like so nice to read that after today when I had a panic attack bad enough that I had to take medication so strong that my friends go oh hmm be careful with that because no one seems to understand what is happening inside of me because it looks like that outside. I’m clinging to my own arms and staring at the wall but it feels like I’m dying again
it just means so much to me. like look at Aragorn he’s so brave and strong, right? he has ptsd flashbacks and panic attacks, and he’s still brave and strong. because breaking down doesn’t make you weak
Okay, so this would be the kind of opportunity in which me pulling on my “trauma researcher” hat and going on and on about how amazing this is using scientific texts would actually be really interesting to other fans and not just me BUT instead… I’m exhausted and my brain is dead-tired, and so all I can do is add a screenshot of what I already screamed in the comments because @starwrought blew my damn mind and, especially after a recent comment on one of my fics, I just feel SO VALIDATED that this is in the source material
There is some trauma in Moria as well: ‘I too once passed the Dimrill Gate,’ said Aragorn quietly; ‘but though I also came out again, the memory is very evil. I do not wish to enter Moria a second time.’
Tolkien was in the trenches in WW1, he knows full well that the brave experienced soldiers would have more than their share of evil memories to contend with on dark nights, I think this goes hand in hand with the central point of the book, that heroism comes not from battle or some grand victory but from quietly determined compassion and just doing what must be done because someone has to.
this is really well put and exactly why ‘well Aragorn (or any of the other heroes/soldiers) were brave and strong and therefore never had any weakness, never were deeply hurt by the sacrifices they made to protect others,’ and ‘Frodo was weak and failed because he was too deeply hurt to destroy the Ring and continue life in Middle-earth’ are such hurtful sentiments.
Because the strength of the world does come from continuing to do what is right, even if it feels like that will lead nowhere or is hopeless.
Frodo does all that he was able to, physically as well as mentally, and he couldn’t save the world alone because no one can
Every story of every hero comes back to love and that love being enough to keep going, even if it seems hopeless
No one makes it out of any of the battles completely unscarred, either physically or mentally, and it is realistic in a way that hurts because of how human it is. How the heroes aren’t brave because they never cry, never weep openly, never despair, never curse their fate, never say I wish this hadn’t happened to me, never break down, never face fears, never are defeated, but because they keep going for the love of the world, for the love of their friends. All of it is for love
And yes I think Tolkien’s experience in World War I really shaped that perspective because he saw people break down, because he lost all h is friends, because he didn’t write that bravery is never screaming out in pain because bravery can be breaking down and then needing someone else to help put you back together
Bravery can be continuing to live even if you know you’ll never be fully healed
And I don’t see that enough in literature, in movies, in shows. The definition of bravery keeps circling back to ‘and they were beaten and tortured but they never broke, never cried out, never sobbed’ and ‘then his wife died and he shed a single tear before he went to inflict violence in a Strong Manly Brave Way’
So when you read something else where the pain is too much to bear sometimes for even the bravest of the heroes and where you don’t have to do everything alone because there are people around the world doing what good must be done no matter how small it might be, it stays with you forever
If my partner is in the next room over and hasn’t spoken to me in 15 minutes, I can easily convince myself that it’s not just because he’s reading but because the last thing I said to him was wrong somehow, and he’s stewing and ready to scream at me any second now about how awful I am. This belief, though, is wrong. He doesn’t get upset about infinitesimal things, and when he is upset, that isn’t how he handles it. He’s not my father.
It absolutely makes sense for me to process information this way — in many situations I’ve been in, that instinct would have been correct, and helped me stay safe. But it isn’t correct anymore, and it would be unhealthy — and unfair — to act as if it were. I’m not wrong for feeling the way I do, but if I forced my partner to treat my feelings as reality — if I called him five times a day while he was at work to have him reassure me he wasn’t mad at me, if I forbade him from ever taking time to himself without reminding me it wasn’t about me, or ever being outwardly upset about things like having a bad day at work because it makes me anxious — that would be a terrible relationship for him to be in. I’m not wrong for feeling how I do, but it’s on me to make a plan for how to cope with it: to remind myself to look at the evidence and ask whether there’s any suggestion that I’m actually about to be harmed, to develop my own coping strategies, to be self-aware of my own history and the way I map it onto my present. I can certainly ask my partner for support in this, or to make some concessions to my history that he agrees are both fair and healthy for him, but I can’t ask him to bend over backwards for me because I’m not willing to do the work at all. We can’t justify harmful things we do to others by pointing to the ways they’re related to how we ourselves were harmed — a reason isn’t a justification.
Rachel at Autostraddle (in an agony aunt column that’s actually about biphobia, but took this excellent turn into Why You Don’t Have To Grovel To People’s Neuroses)
aloha from hell, richard kadrey | the lion in winter, james goldman | the blind assassin, margaret atwood | averno, louise gluck | funeral, phoebe bridgers | cut, catherine lacey | margaret atwood
adult children of emotionally immature parents — lindsay c. gibson // the nexus — andrew robinson & alexander siddig // the jewelry store — andrea gibson // townie — mitski // the body is not an apology — sonya renee taylor // the call, option 2 — andrea gibson // invisible monsters — chuck palahniuk // elbows — andrea gibson // the miseducation of cameron post — emily m. danforth
Elim Garak understands something really upsetting and bad happening, but when you look back on it, even if it was straight up abuse, going “oh, that wasn’t too bad” and underplaying it. It might not make sense, but it’s a common reaction to trauma or abuse to underplay it and try to convince yourself or others that it wasn’t too bad, or that you’re overreacting by calling it abuse, even if there’s evidence to the contrary. It can take a while to admit to yourself that this thing that happened was really bad and maybe even damaging to you, and it can be really hard to do that. Remember to take care of yourself and reach out to safe people who care about you if you need help working through this. He believes in you.
Please remember that almost everyone around you is traumatized. I didn’t understand this when I was younger. I wondered why people acted so strangely and irrationally. Maybe all children wonder this. The author Robert Anton Wilson said (paraphrasing), “We have never seen a completely sane adult human.” No one makes it out of this life alive. It’s not their fault. Mercy, kindness, forgiving — these are what makes one human. They are other names for love. People break in the strangest of ways.
“Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being.“ — Robert Anton Wilson
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as
“getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages
in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a
major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back
to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.
This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also
mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a
papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as
normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and
all — with courage.
2. Presence is always better than distance.
There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis people “need
space.” I don’t know where this assumption originated, but in my
experience it is almost always false. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely
time even when surrounded in love; to suffer through trauma alone is
unbearable. Do not assume others are reaching out, showing up, or
covering all the bases.
It is a much lighter burden to say, “Thanks for your love, but please
go away,” than to say, “I was hurting and no one cared for me.” If
someone says they need space, respect that. Otherwise, err on the side
of presence.
3. Healing is seasonal, not linear.
It is true that healing happens with time. But in the recovery
wilderness, emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a
wobbly figure-8. It’s perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for
months, only to jump to another end entirely … only to find yourself
back in the same old mud again next year.
Recovery lasts a long, long time. Expect seasons.
4. Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both.
This is a tough one. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner,
or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma
requires at least two types of people: the crisis team — those friends
who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the
reconstruction crew — those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you
out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience,
it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a
builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if
you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk
the road with you the whole way.
A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner,
best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles.
Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions
beside you on the journey.
5. Grieving is social, and so is healing.
For as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and
self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Just as relationships
can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be
most fully healed.
It’s not easy to know what this looks like — can I trust casual
acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source of trauma, can
they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks
away? Does communal prayer help or trivialize?
Seeking out shelter in one another requires tremendous courage, but
it is a matter of life or paralysis. One way to start is to practice
giving shelter to others.
6. Do not offer platitudes or comparisons. Do not, do not, do not.
“I’m so sorry you lost your son, we lost our dog last year … ” “At
least it’s not as bad as … ” “You’ll be stronger when this is over.”
“God works in all things for good!”
When a loved one is suffering, we want to comfort them. We offer
assurances like the ones above when we don’t know what else to say. But
from the inside, these often sting as clueless, careless, or just plain
false.
Trauma is terrible. What we need in the aftermath is a friend who can
swallow her own discomfort and fear, sit beside us, and just let it be
terrible for a while.
7. Allow those suffering to tell their own stories.
Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me
stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their
prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else
thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and
discovering hope for one’s self. The story may ultimately sound very
much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy
of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession.
Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and
owning for himself where, and if, hope endures.
8. Love shows up in unexpected ways.
This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in
broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends
fumble to express care. It’s natural for us to weight expressions of
love differently: a Hallmark card, while unsatisfying if received from a
dear friend, can be deeply touching coming from an old acquaintance.
Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a
step along the way to healing. If there are beatitudes for trauma, I’d
say the first is, “Blessed are those who give love to anyone in times of
hurt, regardless of how recently they’ve talked or awkwardly
reconnected or visited cross-country or ignored each other on the
metro.” It may not look like what you’d request or expect, but there
will be days when surprise love will be the sweetest.
9. Whatever doesn’t kill you …
In 2011, after a publically humiliating year, comedian Conan O’Brien gave students at Dartmouth College the following warning:
“Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you
stronger.’ … What he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.”
Odd things show up after a serious loss and creep into every corner of
life: insatiable anxiety in places that used to bring you joy,
detachment or frustration towards your closest companions, a deep
distrust of love or presence or vulnerability.
There will be days when you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell of
yourself, when despair yawns as a terrible chasm, when fear paralyzes
any chance for pleasure. This is just a fight that has to be won, over
and over and over again.
10. … Doesn’t kill you.
Living through trauma may teach you resilience. It may help sustain
you and others in times of crisis down the road. It may prompt humility.
It may make for deeper seasons of joy. It may even make you stronger.
It also may not.
In the end, the hope of life after trauma is simply that you have
life after trauma. The days, in their weird and varied richness, go on.
So will you.
A note on the topic of trauma that I personally found helpful in accepting the idea that I am a trauma victim is that one of the most widely accepted facts in the field of trauma research is that abuse is often not the common factor in whether somebody will develop ptsd.
Many people can go through awful things without developing trauma based disorders as long as they receive compassion and support in processing those events as they happen. The most common factor in developing something like ptsd is emotional neglect. And emotional neglect on it’s own can be enough.
Whatever you went through was enough I promise, you’re not overreacting. Abuse and neglect are traumatic at any level, you don’t need to have gone through the worst possible experience you can think of to develop ptsd. If it hurt you then it hurt you.
…..oh.
And to support that, the number one determining factor on how badly something affects a person is how they’re treated afterward, not how objectively bad the event was. They’re called resiliency factors.
It looks like this:
Horrible brutal traumatic event + Family and community support + legal amelioration + closure and therapy and help
ONE MILLION TIMES MORE LIKELY TO RECOVER THAN
Event that the sufferer may think “seems minor” compared to what others have been through + Family neglect and abuse (you deserved it, name calling, support the abuser) + no legal means + denial and stifling and no therapeutic support
I have been raped, I have been abused by someone who was supposed to be family to me, and I have recovered and gotten my life back together. I have psychiatrists, psychologists, best friends, lovers, and family who support me. I did not get legal justice, but I got the person(s) out of my life.
My friend was repeatedly verbally abused by his step-parent, and when he was abused and hurt by others he was blamed for it by that parent. He had no support and no one to talk to about it for over 10 years.
He still feels guilty for even being affected by it and I’ve had long talks with him about how it isn’t “nothing compared to” what I went through.
You are not wrong to be upset. You are not wrong to feel the effects of trauma. Your hurt cannot be measured against anyone else’s. Your resiliency is your own and your situation is valid to you. Perception is everything. The worst thing that ever happened to you might ostensibly be less bad than the worst thing that ever happened to me - but it still is what happened to YOU.
Trauma is so predictable that we can make tidy little equations out of it. The ones above are good, but the ones I’ve seen are a little simpler. Something like:
