Icon by @ThatSpookyAgent. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:
“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”
Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.
“Ow!”
“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”
“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”
The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.
“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”
She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.
“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”
The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.
“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.
“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”
[video description: a toddler picks up a chicken while their parent instructs them from behind the camera to tell their joke. The child says “why are chickens so funny?” The parent asks “why?” To which the child replies “becauuuuuuse.” The word because is said to mimic a chicken’s crow. The parent cracks up. End description.]
They were huge! V. titan could reach 10ft tall! They are the largest and heaviest birds to have ever lived, and they may have been living as late as the 1650s! It is believed they were driven to extinction by humans, tho the method is up for debate. Many of their eggshells, mostly fragments, have been found and are kept by private owners and in museums. V. titan is actually one of three genera of ‘elephant birds’.
The three: Vorombe, Mullerornis, and Aepyornis are thought to have occupied separate niches in Madagascar. V. titan was the largest, but the other two were also huge. It is thought they ate fruits much like cassowaries, except, you know, bigger lol Oh also their closest living relative is the kiwi!!!
Anyway I love these hecking large birbs. It’s so sad that they are gone now. I would love to see one. Who needs Jurassic park when we could have Extinct Birds park!! (yes I know birds are dinosaurs, but you know what I mean!)
