Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
SO in Britain all the swans may belong to the Queen, but lemme tell you about Hamburg:
Hamburg is built around a river, so thereās many many many canals (the 2400+ bridges put Venice and Amsterdam to shame), as well as a fairly sizeable lake (here the smaller section, innit precious):
This means a shittonne of swans
(stay away from the swans) (seriously donāt go sailing on the lake because they WILL chase you). Obvs swans arenāt made for cold weather (p sure theyāre all Australian immigrants actually) so Hamburg has an official job position to take care of the issue.
This dudeās name is Olaf NieĆ (trying to spell his name on non-German keyboards must be fun):
This guyās job title is āSchwanenvaterā, aka āswan fatherā, and his job literally consists of getting swans to safety before the winter chill sets in. How does he do this, you wonder? Easy: he goes up to EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SWAN in the city and sticks them in barges. Iām serious:
Look at this dude and his swans
Swans are like Satanās personal pet and he paddles around with barges full of them like itās nbd.
I fucking love this guy heās braver than all of us and deserves some recognition for his absurd line of work.
I always learn new thing about my cityā¦.. this job must be tough!
This sounds like something for @elodieunderglass and her series of important birb facts.
Aaaah oh my goodness! THIS IS SO UP MY ALLEY, HOLY COW.
I was a little confused because mute swans (pictured)* are native to Northern Europe and are generally happy with cold weather (theyāre quite significant in the folklore of, say, Northern Russia). In fact,my friend Dru posted a lovely video of some of my Swan Friends breaking ice here:Ā
The cob, or daddy swan, is breaking the ice with his chest to make clear water for his family to feed in. Later the ducks (shown standing on the ice) will hop into the cleared water and enjoy the free foraging.Ā
But then I remembered that wild Mute Swans tend to fuck off from the big rivers when it gets really cold and go somewhere warmer (such as a nice shallow pond) cos swans aināt fools and they donāt actually like icebreaking. So why wouldnāt they want the swans in Hamburg to fuck off from the big rivers? Why are they putting them into small warm ponds for winter? Wouldnāt the swans justā¦ do that themselves if they got cold enough?? Why do you need to have a guy go out and grab them before they do anything? THIS IS IMPLYING THAT THESE ARE NOT WILD SWANS, BUT MUNICIPAL SWANS.Ā
Ā AND APPARENTLY, I researched this 5 minutes ago, APPARENTLY there is a prophecy about these swans that is similar to the prophecy of the Ravens of the Tower of London : āAs long as the proud swans draw circles on the Alster, Hamburg will be a free and prosperous Hanseatic City.ā Ā The swans also served the practical purpose of demonstrating that Hamburg was a free and independent city, because previously, only royal Europeans had swans.
So they are not exactly wild swans! The Swanfather cares for the swans year-round - theyāre municipal animals - and in the winter he brings the swans to a place where they canĀ ādraw circles on the Alsterā without fucking off entirely, and show off to everyone that Hamburg is a strong independent city that donāt need no king.Ā
SO the Ravenmaster of London is a position that exists because if the ravens leave the tower, a prophecy says that England will fall. And the Swanfather of Hamburg exists because if the swans leave the Alster, Hamburg will stop prospering. The Swanfather role has existed since 1674, about the same time as when the Ravenmaster job was set up. I guess there was a lucrative trade in bird-related political prophecies at the time. CLEARLY I HAVE MISSED MY CALLING???
* OP is confused - the swans that are immigrants from Australia are Black Swans, and the swans on the river in Hamburg are Mute Swans.Ā
Also, ALSO, I need to insert my standard disclaimer here:
SWANS ARE NOT EVIL. THEY ARE NOT ASSHOLES. THEY ARE LARGE ANIMALS THAT LIVE IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH HUMANS BUT ARE NOT SUBMISSIVE TOWARDS HUMANS.
A huge amount of peopleās fear/anxiety/outrage about swans and geese is because these large wild animals have the AUDACITY to live near humans, and to interact with humans, but not in a fearful and submissive way. Swans arenāt afraid of humans - why should they be? - and that makes us escalate our own behavior, because we expect animals to be either loving or afraid. So we often do silly things to swans, such as poking our hands at them, provoking them, threatening their young, using incredibly aggressive body language when we see them, approaching them with kayaks (kayaks are Incredibly Rude for swans) and allowing our companion animals to behave threateningly towards them while we giggle.
Then the swan indicates (fairly politely) that we are being rude and need to give them more spaceā¦ and we complain that swans are disrespectful, mean and scary. Most of swan politeness is about giving them space, not making direct eye contact, and not pointing at them, or flailing your hands around, or waving a paddle at them, or looking directly at their babies, or letting a dog approach them. BUT PEOPLE ARE INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT, so they complain that swans are Satan.Ā
In reality, they are just large wild animals that are often quite happy to be āniceā to humans, and will recognize ones that are trustworthy.
Look how nicely theyāre sitting in their little boats to go to their winter pond.
Even though they are an invasive species in North America I couldnāt help myself when I spotted a group of mute swans close to shore on a recent outing and pulled over to photograph them. Taken 3/9/21.
I’m watching a documentary on Netflix about animals getting prosthetics and this vet just hand sculpted a prosthetic beak for an injured swan and the very first thing it did was use its new beak to bite someone
thenkeepgoing: Why are kayaks Incredibly Rude to swans? I'm asking because we have a lot of wild turkeys on my college campus and they HATE cars. They will block you from opening car doors, circle you in your car like a shark, jump on top of cars and snap at tires.
2/2 so I was wondering if large birds just hate human
transportation or something haha. Thanks for your post, very
interesting.
(In reference to a comment I made about kayaks being incredibly rude in Swan Culture)
I’ve been looking at my inbox like “I am not some kind of ECCENTRIC BIRD WHISPERER,” but I actually know the answer to this one, and it’s hilarious.
Large birds don’t have a particular hateboner for human transportation, but wild turkeys have two unique properties that make them behave ridiculously when they collide with human populations. For those who aren’t familiar with them, wild turkeys are large, boisterous birds that tend to interact with humans most frequently around the autumn which is convenient for Thanksgiving and mating season in early spring. Most of the time, they live peaceable lives in the woods, but around November they run around in flocks bothering innocent citizens and picking fights with vending machines, and then they usually go away again.
The toms, or dominant males, can stand up to 4 feet tall and weigh up to 24 pounds. They’re the ones that do the fancy displays:
The First Unique Turkey Property: Now, wild turkeys are a little bit like betta fish, in that they perceive any shiny/reflective surface that shows them a reflection as actually containing Another Turkey, and they react accordingly. When they react to the Other Turkey - usually by posturing aggressively and flaring their fins feathers majestically - the Other Turkey ESCALATES THE SITUATION by posturing as well. At some point the real turkey loses its temper and attacks, pecking and scratching and trying to take the fucker apart, only to find that the Other Turkey has protected itself with some kind of force field.
So to a wild turkey that has encountered enough autumnal car-related psychic battles, the completely logical conclusion to take away from them is that cars contain demonic spiritsthat must be subdued. Other examples of things that wild turkeys are compelled to vanquish include… well, other reflective things.
To address this, cover reflective things (you can rub soap on your car to make it less reflective) and frighten off the turkey if it’s keeping you from leaving your car.
The Second Unique Turkey Property: This is a little bit embarrassing for all concerned, but you have to think about it like a turkey would. You see, humans are oddly compelling creatures to a hormonal turkey. We have bare faces with interestingly positioned lumps of flesh, we gobble our speech in a way that almost sounds like Turkey, we strut about on two feet showing off our long sexy legs, we strut about in family groups, we often have access to really good food, our clothing is big and bright and colorful. Turkey faces change color with their mood; human faces are all kinds of fascinating colors, plus additional fantastic decorations. To wild turkeys, humans are a type of turkey, and further: many humans are either Intimidating Sexual Threats, or Exciting Sexual Beings.
Now, I am very sorry about this, but not only can wild turkeys be kind of reverse furries, they also have unexpected ideas about gender and sexuality. So to some female turkeys, “male” humans are excitingly sexy and they will follow one around for embarrassingly long periods of time, cooing attractively - meanwhile, the tom turkey and the subordinate males will be OUTRAGED by the COMPETITION presented by the interloper, and will attempt to subdue “him.” And “female” humans are likewise at risk of being passionately seduced by the dominant toms, or quietly propositioned by subordinate males - or the females may attempt to recruit you into their existing social system - as a junior member, of course. They have a strict pecking order.
Unfortunately for humans, your preferred gender may not necessarily actually
translate to the gender that turkeys decide you are. And some turkeys
may decide you’re “male” while others will decide that you’re “female,” so that will be confusing, and some dominant female turkeys have “male” sexual traits - like beards and tail fans - anyway. They recognize and remember humans, so if you had a particularly exciting encounter with a specific turkey, it will probably remember you.
Also unfortunately for humans, the fine distinctions between Turkey Seduction, Turkey Competition, and Turkey Networking are usually a little bit lost, and all of this behavior seems to be the same thing - it mostly consists of a large dinosaur-like bird trotting at you, possibly screaming and pecking and flapping, and can be worrying. If you are in the car and the turkey can see you, and it wishes to
continue a previous encounter, it may well insist upon this in a
frightening way.
Turkeys don’t give a shit about human “gender” and “authority,” as the many available videos on the internet of turkeys attacking police officers, reporters and mailmen will assure you. They just make logical decisions that are perfectly natural and reasonable to turkeys, and humans react by running away.
So what do you do about this? Well, DO NOT RUN AWAY, this means you that you are a Submissive Turkey and their behavior will escalate. Turkeys can learn the meaning of “no,” and you don’t have to be bullied by them.
And the Massachusetts Fish and Game website has a huge resource explaining all the subtleties of wild turkey behavior and how to combat the nuisances. Essentially, you must not attempt to make friends with them or attract them; once they arrive, you must “be bold” and establish Dominance, and encourage everyone to do the same.
If the turkeys are aggressive around children and the elderly, all sources agree that if they become a danger, you can contact the relevant authorities and have the turkeys removed or destroyed.
Anyway, that’s why turkeys attack cars. The take-home message is: the cars are too shiny and you are possibly a sexy turkey.
THANKS TO @soilrockslove WHO POINTED OUT THAT ONCE AGAIN I FORGOT TO EXPLAIN WHY KAYAKS ARE RUDE TO SWANS
IT’S THE THRASHING/PADDLING MOSTLY
AND THE BODY LANGUAGE
you just look like you’re flapping towards the swan with Filthy Intent, going extremely fast, skimming over the water and flailing your wings around threateningly, which in Swan is shaped like the beginning of a territorial charge, so they go “TIME TO FIGHT BITCH”
How much do swans hate kayaks?
in 2012 in Chicago an imported mute swan straight-up killed a man in a kayak. Plot twist: the man was his own caretaker.
Asbo, a UK mute swan who actively attacked boaters in Cambridge until he threatened tourism, was eventually removed from the river… to be replaced by his son “Asboy”, First Of His Name, who continues his father’s legacy.
Tyson, a UK mute swan of the Grand Union Canal, also chases kayaks fiercely enough to warrant news coverage - although the “chase scenes” aren’t actually that scary. Here he is doing a territorial charge.
See when Tyson moves from busking (holding up his wings and padding menacingly) to a full on flying charge, with his wings pumping up and down? That’s what kayaks look like they’re doing when they paddle towards him. Swans are territorial (they firmly believe that they own property) and this charge would indicate that he is being directly challenged for possession of his property. Since some male swans are willing to defend their property to the point of death, this is Problematic during kayak season.
Also, swans just hate kayaks. Canoes are a little better and powered boats don’t bother them (many of them genuinely like powered boats and recognize friendly ones.)
This was related on boater social media: a well-known lady who has a garden that backs onto the canal made friends with a swan family. Sadly, the pen (female) died, leaving the cob (male) as a single parent. Now, that cob is renowned for disliking kayaks and canoes, and with several rambunctious youngsters to raise, he often forgot his parenting duties in the thrill of seeing them off - or he’d have to compromise his chasing to go back and protect his babies. Anyway, one day there was a kayak race and a constant stream of kayaks went shooting through his territory. Within a few hours of “seeing off” the flow of invaders while also protecting his babies from them, cob exhausted himself completely. He gathered up his babies and dragged them up the bank and into her garden, where he presented the brood to the lady, and then passed out on her patio. She entertained the babies - and apparently had a lapful of napping baby swans for a few hours - until the cob woke up and felt ready to cope. Thankfully the race was over.
That cob has a new mate now so hopefully she won’t be called upon to babysit again.
Anyway, that’s why some swans hate kayaks. The end.
SO in Britain all the swans may belong to the Queen, but lemme tell you about Hamburg:
Hamburg is built around a river, so there’s many many many canals (the 2400+ bridges put Venice and Amsterdam to shame), as well as a fairly sizeable lake (here the smaller section, innit precious):
This means a shittonne of swans
(stay away from the swans) (seriously don’t go sailing on the lake because they WILL chase you). Obvs swans aren’t made for cold weather (p sure they’re all Australian immigrants actually) so Hamburg has an official job position to take care of the issue.
This dude’s name is Olaf Nieß (trying to spell his name on non-German keyboards must be fun):
This guy’s job title is “Schwanenvater”, aka “swan father”, and his job literally consists of getting swans to safety before the winter chill sets in. How does he do this, you wonder? Easy: he goes up to EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SWAN in the city and sticks them in barges. I’m serious:
Look at this dude and his swans
Swans are like Satan’s personal pet and he paddles around with barges full of them like it’s nbd.
I fucking love this guy he’s braver than all of us and deserves some recognition for his absurd line of work.
I always learn new thing about my city….. this job must be tough!
This sounds like something for @elodieunderglass and her series of important birb facts.
Aaaah oh my goodness! THIS IS SO UP MY ALLEY, HOLY COW.
I was a little confused because mute swans (pictured)* are native to Northern Europe and are generally happy with cold weather (they’re quite significant in the folklore of, say, Northern Russia). In fact,my friend Dru posted a lovely video of some of my Swan Friends breaking ice here:
The cob, or daddy swan, is breaking the ice with his chest to make clear water for his family to feed in. Later the ducks (shown standing on the ice) will hop into the cleared water and enjoy the free foraging.
But then I remembered that wild Mute Swans tend to fuck off from the big rivers when it gets really cold and go somewhere warmer (such as a nice shallow pond) cos swans ain’t fools and they don’t actually like icebreaking. So why wouldn’t they want the swans in Hamburg to fuck off from the big rivers? Why are they putting them into small warm ponds for winter? Wouldn’t the swans just… do that themselves if they got cold enough?? Why do you need to have a guy go out and grab them before they do anything? THIS IS IMPLYING THAT THESE ARE NOT WILD SWANS, BUT MUNICIPAL SWANS.
AND APPARENTLY, I researched this 5 minutes ago, APPARENTLY there is a prophecy about these swans that is similar to the prophecy of the Ravens of the Tower of London : “As long as the proud swans draw circles on the Alster, Hamburg will be a free and prosperous Hanseatic City.” The swans also served the practical purpose of demonstrating that Hamburg was a free and independent city, because previously, only royal Europeans had swans.
So they are not exactly wild swans! The Swanfather cares for the swans year-round - they’re municipal animals - and in the winter he brings the swans to a place where they can “draw circles on the Alster” without fucking off entirely, and show off to everyone that Hamburg is a strong independent city that don’t need no king.
SO the Ravenmaster of London is a position that exists because if the ravens leave the tower, a prophecy says that England will fall. And the Swanfather of Hamburg exists because if the swans leave the Alster, Hamburg will stop prospering. The Swanfather role has existed since 1674, about the same time as when the Ravenmaster job was set up. I guess there was a lucrative trade in bird-related political prophecies at the time. CLEARLY I HAVE MISSED MY CALLING???
* OP is confused - the swans that are immigrants from Australia are Black Swans, and the swans on the river in Hamburg are Mute Swans.
Also, ALSO, I need to insert my standard disclaimer here:
SWANS ARE NOT EVIL. THEY ARE NOT ASSHOLES. THEY ARE LARGE ANIMALS THAT LIVE IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH HUMANS BUT ARE NOT SUBMISSIVE TOWARDS HUMANS.
A huge amount of people’s fear/anxiety/outrage about swans and geese is because these large wild animals have the AUDACITY to live near humans, and to interact with humans, but not in a fearful and submissive way. Swans aren’t afraid of humans - why should they be? - and that makes us escalate our own behavior, because we expect animals to be either loving or afraid. So we often do silly things to swans, such as poking our hands at them, provoking them, threatening their young, using incredibly aggressive body language when we see them, approaching them with kayaks (kayaks are Incredibly Rude for swans) and allowing our companion animals to behave threateningly towards them while we giggle.
Then the swan indicates (fairly politely) that we are being rude and need to give them more space… and we complain that swans are disrespectful, mean and scary. Most of swan politeness is about giving them space, not making direct eye contact, and not pointing at them, or flailing your hands around, or waving a paddle at them, or looking directly at their babies, or letting a dog approach them. BUT PEOPLE ARE INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT, so they complain that swans are Satan.
In reality, they are just large wild animals that are often quite happy to be “nice” to humans, and will recognize ones that are trustworthy.
Look how nicely they’re sitting in their little boats to go to their winter pond.
