Icon by @ThatSpookyAgent. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.

kirksfattitties:

kirksfattitties:

i mean to me the appeal of amok time, as a queer man, is:

  • the fact that we see spock struggle with and agonize over a very normal and natural experience
  • and we see how much he despairs over having to tell someone
  • how he puts dying in agony on the same level as having to go back to his home world and get married to a woman
  • thinking he ruined his relationship with the first person he was honest with by having to fight him
  • and then grabbing and holding and smiling when he finds out this man is alive

in a way that very clearly parallels my own and other queer mens experiences in overcoming internalized homophobia and coming to acceptance with who we are (obviously with some cool dramatic scifi bonuses)

not to mention that spocks pon farr was resolved without having to mate in the conventional sense, implying that the fight was enough, the mating was fulfilled in an unconventional way, and/or spocks emotions for kirk dying brought him out of pon farr

and then on the flip side seeing from kirks perspective:

  • being a man who is very clearly confident in himself and who he is as a person struggling to help his closest friend
  • trying to get this friend to trust you so you can help them but without pushing them so hard that they push you away
  • being quite literally willing to die for this friend to be okay
  • and both of them at the end finding comfort in each other and the knowledge that are are both alive and well and (even if not showing it) happy

in a way that very clearly parallels my relationship with other queer men who i see working out their own internalized homophobia and trying to help them, even if it means having to experience that homophobia again. and then the solidarity between queer men after we have worked through our issues and finding comfort and love in each other

clearly amok time wasn’t made to represent this exact struggle, but many queer men i know deeply relate to that and to spock in general, especially when masculinity revolves around being tough and unfeeling and when the concept of manhood revolves around attraction to women.

and also, of course, the tits

image

el-im:

a little something to think about re: second languages, deliberate choice of words, and Star Trek. I think that the similarity between the Vulcan “ashayam” (darling/beloved, depending on which source you’re looking at), as well as it’s little variations (ashalik, used for children, and ashalveh) and the English “ashamed” is so remarkable. 

in The Naked Time, brought to his wits end by polywater intoxication, Spock confesses, “my mother. I could never tell her I loved her… an Earth woman, living on a planet where love, emotion, is bad taste. I respected my father, our customs. I was ashamed of my Earth blood.” and after being hit, after collecting his senses, refocuses and desperately puts forward, “Jim, when I feel friendship for you, I’m ashamed.”

thinking about why the writers/fans (the origin of ‘ashaya’ as the verb for love is debated) chose a word so similar to ashamed is a discussion of its own entirely, but consider for a moment that spock is an ambassador’s son, at this time has had a long career in starfleet, and that he has a parent from Earth. it can be assumed not only that he speaks Standard well, and fluently, but that he speaks English (given that Amanda was born in Seattle, established in Ishmael by Barbara Hambly). there is absolutely no room for ambiguity where there is Spock-like mastery and command of these languages and dialects. I refuse to believe that Spock would put something so genuine, so personal, forward without deep consideration, and without thought to the precision of his words. 

though the statement itself may come off as cold–with some interpreting the statement to mean that Spock is embarrassed about being Kirk’s friend–in actuality, the confession is imbued with such a terrible appraisal of love that it continues to leave me feeling shaken. Spock is telling him, as best and as accurately as he can, that he feels disordered, vulnerable, and uncontrolled, and that those feelings, which he can neither quell nor dismiss, are shameful because they are illustrative of what he has been raised to believe is a shortcoming: his being influenced by emotion. 

but the words he uses… the sounds that ‘ashamed’ and ‘ashayam’ share… as someone who speaks multiple languages, I can say easily that you use words in one that are tied indelibly to your feelings in another; that I’ve noticed myself using cognates (words which sound similar and which mean similar things in different languages) not only because they are easier to recall, but because they summon the same intentions I have when I’d use the word I learned first, in my native language. something in me just insists that spock says “ashamed” deliberately, using it in place of “embarrassed” or “unsettled”, because it is tied, to him, to love. he cannot lay his meaning out plainly, but he can suggest, he can imply. something in me just insists that he did not wish Kirk to take that confession badly, as though he were telling him something to hurt him, or to show him that he wished they weren’t bound together. instead, I think he is saying, quietly, you unravel me, and you are beloved to me because of that unwinding.