filmnoirsbian:

My dad has a massive vegetable garden and it is his life. Whenever I ask how things are going, he tells me about the garden. Periodically he will text me a picture of the things he’s harvested and ask when I’m coming to pick them up. And for a while, the biggest bit of garden gossip has been his nemesis, the gopher. This gopher was consistently ruining his day by pilfering the best of everything just before my dad could harvest it. Anytime I talked to him, all he had to tell me about was “that damned gopher.” He dreamt about killing the gopher, his truest enemy. He tried to train the dog to hunt the gopher, but the dog is a pacifist. He led some of the barn cats to the holes, but the barn cats have unionized and refused his offered rate. He then laid no-kill traps (can’t risk having poison near the crops) with eventual gophercide in mind, but then suddenly he was faced with a cute and terrified animal and didn’t have the heart. He released it. “He was so scared, he’ll never come back.” The gopher was back the next day, with a vengeance. That was some weeks ago. Today, my dad sent me pictures of his garden, and I saw a squash gently laid by the gopher’s hole, like a package left on the doorstep. I said “Dad, what’s that squash doing there by the gopher hole?” He said “Oh, he likes squash best.” In an effort to appease the gopher, my father now gives him a little squash everyday, like leaving an offering for a garden spirit. This apparently works well as a compromise; the gopher has stopped stealing, content to have his meals delivered to his door.

revryebread:

eleventh-order-simulacra:

beardedmrbean:

totally understand him. i once absentmindedly poked the screen while showing something to my brother on a huge work laptop and it opened a file, we both pogged

Let’s fucking GO Greg dutra local quad cities wetherman

diebythewords:

notebooks-and-laptops:

Modern AU Stede isn’t a tailor or a flower shop owner btw. He’s a divorced dad in his late 40’s who just figured out he’s queer and wants to ‘engage with his community’ and ‘do something fun for once’ so he opens a queer bar. Unfortunately he has no fucking idea HOW to run a queer bar, like at all. It’s the most ridiculous bar you’ve ever been in. He stocks more tea than alcohol. There is a wall of bookshelves next to a place that’s often used as a make shift dance floor. On Tuesdays and Sundays they open early and serve ‘brunch’ while Stede does dramatic readings of fairytales. ‘Perhaps you’d be more comfortable making it a cafe’ 'no its a BAR I want it to be a bar’ stede insists. Its called 'The Revenge’. Because what is a modern au of if not a bizzare place for queers to hang out?

Yes, and it dovetails nicely with Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill and Other Delicacies and Delights (and Fishing Equipment).

Blackbeard’s heard a lot about this new bar that’s popped up on the scene, but everyone says that you can’t EXPLAIN “The Revenge” you have to EXPERIENCE it, so Blackbeard finally wanders in one afternoon during high tea, and there are lacy doilies everywhere, and tiered cake stands with miniature cakes, and Ed’s all round-eyed wonder, because, “Look at this! It’s like food, but smaller. It’s like a teeny-tiny version of food.”

Izzy is just disgusted. He takes one look and growls at Stede, “This isn’t a bar. It’s a fucking tearoom. And you? Are a fucking tea lady.”

And Stede is holding a teapot in one hand, and a lovely knitted tea cozy in his other, which he squeezes so tightly that the pompom pops off, because HOW VERY DARE YOU. Then he storms away because he has “a BAR to run, and there are BAR snacks in the BAR oven”.

Izzy turns to Blackbeard, expecting solidarity, but Ed has picked up the pompom and is rolling it between his fingers and he’s just like, “Yeah. Nah. I like it,” then sort of trails off after Stede to offer advice and encouragement.

And Izzy watches him go with a flat “what”.

Then he hears Ed offer BBGODD(FE)’s staff to help with evening shifts and, Ed’s out of sight, but Izzy can still hear as he says “You know what you should do? Cocktails.”

There’s a fraction of a pause and Izzy knows what’s coming, but he’s still horrified when Ed offers, almost, but very much not, completely casually, “Izzy knows cocktails, he’ll train your crew.” 

And Izzy’s just like “…….oh my god…….” because he knows this means Ed’s not going to just wander away again.

(When Izzy turns up to teach the bar staff of The Revenge “the fucking art of fucking mixology you fucking fuckers” Stede hands him an apron and it’s pink, it has frills and ribbon, and Izzy just stares at it, because: how ?? is this ?? his life ??)