Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
Stede tells the crew: "We'll talk it through as a crew" and he gets them to be emotionally open and honest with him and with each other, but he can't bring himself to do the same. He gets Ed to open up to him in a sobbing meltdown but he's a closed book.
I think the first (and possibly only) time in the show that Stede ever actually talks about his own feelings is on the beach: "You make Stede happy."
and since i have a couple minutes i want to talk about stede and trauma responses.
because stede’s got a lot going on, re: the reasons he makes some pretty poor choices throughout the run of the show; he’s got a touch of narratively ironic main character syndrome, he’s preeeeeeetty fucking non-neurotypically coded, his wealth and material comfort have kept him from noticing the larger state of the world, the hilarious snippy retorts parts of him are hilarious and snippy, etc.
but on top of that: we’ve met his fucking dad. i don’t really want to speculate past what canon showed us, but i’d say he absolutely qualifies as emotionally abusive, and we know he sent stede off to sad alone little rich boy school at some point.
we get zero indication stede has experienced even the barest attempts at emotional support until mary offers them, at which point he’s like ‘what is this… telling people deeply personal things about you that you speak of??? and then people don’t take those things and laugh at you??? they want to help you??? seems sus, i would rather go read a book and/or run away to sea like a small child lugging his backpack of fruit snacks down to the park. also when i tried to tell you about horses with kind eyes you didn’t understand what i was trying to do there and i felt slighted, so thanks to my upbringing i have taken that miscommunication and hung onto it and even if i don’t know it, it’s playing into why i won’t take you up on your very kind and well-communicated offer to alleviate my pain. i am A LOT. it’s sad, it’s realistic, but oh man. it’s hard dealing with me and it’s hard BEING me. tell you the truth, i don’t like it much either. or myself! weird, that.’
this man makes me want to CRY.
anyway: stede grew up with a father who looked him in the face and said: you suck. you deserve no kindness, which is handy because i will never show it to you! and if you don’t get used to that level of cruelty in the place that should feel safest from the person the world says is taking care of you, you are not gonna make it out of this shit alive.
stede made it the fuck out. he cut himself into pieces and shoved himself into boxes and learned to shut his fucking mouth and not expect kindness, so when people offer it to him he doesn’t trust it.
hell. i’m not even sure he knows what kindness is, before he takes his fruit snacks and his backpack and runs away to the sea.
I love all of this, but I do have a slight amendment to make.
Stede tries to talk about his feelings one (1) time prior to the beach. It’s the very first time he and Ed properly meet, in Stede’s quarters. Ed is lying back on the couch, Stede is propped poorly on a table or something. Ed says, “You ever feel trapped? Like you’re just treading water? Waiting to drown?”
And Stede starts to answer, real and honest when he says, “Yes. I have… I very much have felt that way–”
And Ed fucking interrupts.
It’s not even a little interruption, either! Like a request for a clarification or a surprised “no, you?” or anything even vaguely demonstrative of giving an actual living fuck about Stede’s answer! Ed plows straight into Stede’s small, aching truth with a ramble about his own feelings, going so far as to say that Stede “has it all sussed out,” making it clear to the audience and crystal fucking clear to Stede that no, actually, Ed asked him a question but it wasn’t one Stede was meant to answer because Ed thinks he already knows everything he needs to know about this rich weirdo’s emotional landscape.
No one wants to hear what Stede really feels. Even this kind man, this peak pirate, this one person who wants to praise Stede for all the things he’s been tortured for before– even he doesn’t want to hear how close Stede was to giving up and letting the water in.
And so, probably, that means it’s not something meant for Stede. Here’s proof again. The final evidence that establishes the fact: no one wants that kind of thing from Stede. And he’s fine with that. He’s okay. He’s had a lifetime of learning it, and he should just be grateful that Ed had kindly ignored his faux pas, is still willing to be friends even in the face of Stede’s sullying the conversation with his ill-bred, intrusive, filthy fucking feelings.
He’ll just have to remember not to do it again. Which isn’t a problem, really. It’s tiring, to try over and over again – and it’d be easier, better, if he stopped. Stick with what might be safely said in social circumstances; listen and support others as a gentleman ought, but remember too that a gentleman doesn’t burden others.
Keep kicking your legs, Stede Bonnet, and wonder how everyone else manages to walk on water rather than drown in it.
oooh, i had forgotten about that! i agree with this, actually with one …not so much disagreement, as added perspective:
ed’s delighted by stede being a weirdo. he’s incredibly intimidated by stede being rich.
he definitely talks over stede there, but in the same way stede is like: fucking… look at you. you’re so cool and tough and strong and a legit pirate, how could you have pain? and comes in with an image of ed he got from a book ed comes in with a bunch of his own baggage about wealth.
he was taught directly and indirectly that people like stede have made it: they won at Being People. god quite literally loves them the most, god gives them nice things because of that, and stede is worthy of those things in a way ed can’t quite accept he could be, too.
so when he talks over stede, he’s thinking: this man? this peak of Being Loved By God And The World (who is shaking up piracy! who thwarted izzy! who is just… mad and amazing and very attractive even while looking like a half-drowned golden retriever) how could he possibly feel like i do. look at everything he’s got! having Things is how you make it in life, because once you have Things and god loves you most, by god happiness is apparently supposed to come along with.
and since this is their first meeting and stede has been conditioned to read that unintentional rejection of his (very important) attempt to connect as a hard and forever no, he goes: well shit. lesson learned, i must now shut the fuck up or he won’t like me anymore.
the heartbreaking thing here (and the mark of the very good writing in terms of setting up natural conflict via characters being deeply, relatably human) is that if that had happened later? say… in that scene on the deck? there’s almost no chance ed would have talked over him, if i had to make a guess.
they both came in with these images of each other on a pedestal for very, very different reasons, and because of the very specific ways they are each a little bit broken the end of the season is almost inevitable, one way or another.
Millions of Years of Immutable Evolutionary Law: “Cats shall have litters of many offspring at one time. Some will be weak or stricken with disease–they will perish to allow the stronger siblings to escape, and to satiate other predators in order to reduce competition and encourage the existence of more capable adults.”
In highschool I wrote a story about a middle-generation of stellar travelers. Their parents were born on earth and left as children, and the middle generation will not live long enough to see their destination. They live their entire lives on the ship and I wrote about them trying to find their place in everything. They will never know blue skies and warm beaches and open fields with warm breezes. They’ll never know birdsong or crickets or frogs. They’ll never hear the rain on the roof of a dreary day. I never could find the right way to end the story. I wanted it to be a happy ending, but I didn’t know how to do it.
I realize now that it was a book about me dealing with depression before I even knew it. Looking back at how blatant the projecting was, it’s obvious now. It wasn’t then.
In the story, the middle-generation people are lost. They’re apathetic. They’re just a placeholder. The only job they have is to keep the ship running, have kids, and die. As the middle generation of people began becoming adults, suicide rates were skyrocketing. Crime and drug rates were jumping. This generation was completely apathetic because they felt that they had no use.
In the story, a small group of people in the middle-generation create the Weather Project. They turn the ship into a terrarium. They make magnificent gardens and take the DNA of animals they took with them and recreate them and they make this cold, metal spaceship that they have to live their entire lives on into a home. They take what little they have and they break it and rearrange it into something beautiful. They take this radical idea and turn the ship into a wonderful jungle of trees and birds and sunshine.
And I realize now how much it reflects my state of mind as I transitioned from a child into an adult while dealing with depression. You always hear “it gets better” and “when you’re older things will be easier” and I was so sick of waiting for it to get better. I was in the middle-generation stage. And I was sick of it. I was so sick of waiting.
When I was in highschool I didn’t know how to end the story. I didn’t know how to have a happy ending. I didn’t have the life experience then to finish the story in a meaningful way. I didn’t know how to make it better for these middle-generation characters.
But now that I’m older, I’m learning. That if you sit and wait for things to get better, it never will. You have to take your life and break it apart and rearrange it into something beautiful. You have to make the cold metal ship into the garden that you deserve. You have to make your own meaning. You have to plant your own garden.
You have to teach yourself that being happy is not a radical idea.
God you guys I never thought this would become so popular 😱 I was gonna name it The Weather Project after the art installment that inspired it
By Olafur Eliasson
This is the most important post that I’ve ever made. Its for screaming out with every fiber of your being that you’re worth something. You’re worth everything.
Couple Mourning Their Cat Find a Note from a Stranger Whose Life was Touched by Their Cat
A couple from the UK were saddened when their cat suddenly passed away, but little did they know that their beloved feline had helped fill a void in a stranger’s life.
Bear and his brother Teddy were always together, sharing their every adventure. What their humans (reddit user TravUK) didn’t know was that they had made a friend next door for quite some time.Two weeks ago, Bear suddenly passed away. As the couple was still in mourning, they came to find a note attached to Teddy’s collar one day. That’s when they realized that someone else they had never met was also missing their cat.The note reads: “Dear Owner; I’m your neighbour, living in 4. I’m also your cats’ close friends as they (2 cats) are used to coming to my room everyday. But one of them, a bigger one has disappeared for two weeks. Is he ok? I’m so worried about him. He is so lovely cat and always touched my heart. Wish he is fine. - Y.T. 2/March/2017.”
“We posted a letter back into number 4, saying that our other cat had passed away. We also included our email address,” TravUK said.When they woke up the next morning, they received a lengthy email from the neighbor, explaining how she loved her time with their cats, especially Bear.
The cat admirer is an exchange student from China studying at a nearby University. She loved every second she spent with Bear as he filled her heart with joy and kept her company when she needed a friend. As a student studying overseas, she experienced being homesick. Bear was able to comfort her and remind her of home.The email she sent touched the couple’s hearts. She shared how she used to practice her university presentations to Bear. “He would sit on her bed and listen… she didn’t have anyone else to practice with. Very touching… She even attached some pictures they had taken of my boys which warmed my heart,” he said.
The neighbor visited Bear at his grave in their garden and brought him flowers to show him just how much he meant to her. “Makes you proud that he could brighten up more than just my households lives.”
