Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
spock: fascinating captain this planets infrastructure seems to entirely revolve around the construction of trolley tracks
kirk: yes mister spock we should investigate
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spock: it seems captain we have been tied to a pair of trolley tracks and a man is being instructed-
kirk: yes yes theyre engaging in what i heard the locals call a trolley problem
spock: and it appears we are the problem
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kirk(upon finding the evil computer responsible for constructing various ethical dilemmas to solve and thus learn and attempt to create a perfect society): and so you say you wish to create an ideal society by learning from these various ethical dilemmas but have you not created a graver ethical dilemma by sacrificing the populace in service of your so called trolley problems
evil computer: does not compute ethics is an exercise not a practice i was programmed to learn not to be ethical
kirk: no but you were programmed to be ethical it was simply when you were struck by lightning a century ago that it rerouted your memory circuits its a deviation from your original purpose
evil computer: fantastic point i think ill go kill myself now this is very embarrassing
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kirk: well wouldnt you say the real trolley problem is the friends you made along the way?
spock: i believe not i think you in fact walked yourself into your own trolley problem by in fact killing the computer so the populace my live you in fact proved the conceit of the computer and engaged in a not too different ethical experiment
kirk: why mister spock are you calling me a computer
so im rewatching the gorn episode and theres a kind of throwaway line where kirk says "large, reptilian... like most humans i seem to have an instinctive revulsion to reptiles. i must fight to remember this is an intelligent, highly advanced individual" and im choosing to interpret that as kirk doesnt like lizards so i was wondering if you could draw something along those lines? like maybe he and spock are out walking on some desert planet and they pass a rock with a lizard sunbathing on it and he wigs out or something? maybe bones sees too and he cries laughing at kirk. i just think itd be funny to see him all stoic and then BAM a lizard
Because of this ask, I actually have this headcanon that McCoy put that lizard thing up in his office specifically to creep Kirk out so that he would stop hanging out in sickbay and distracting him so much.
But it actually backfired because this is also why Kirk hates coming down for physicals now.
Here’s McCoy’s lizard thing, in case you need a memory refresher.
Right now my parents are hunched over a map of the Midwest trying to figure out where the fuck Jim Kirk drove a car off of a cliff when there’s no fucking cliffs in Iowa
I’ve heard the theory that Kirk’s logs just get circulated round headquarters for lulz before being dumped in the circular file as obvious fabrications by someone bored with a frontier posting.
“Hey, have you seen this one? He says he fought Apollo.”
“What, the old earth probe?”
“Try the old earth GOD!”
“Hilarious! Classic Kirk! That’s better than the time when he was transported to an evil dimenison.”
The reason why in The Naked Now it was Riker who remembered that the previous polywater infection had happened is that he’s the sort of person who would read The Hilarious Adventures of Captain Kirk for fun.
I especially like this idea because of the implication that all the other captains in Starfleet are reporting perfectly ordinary experiences like visiting a space station, dropping off supplies at a colony, bit of a stand-off with some Klingons in disputed space but got out of it unscathed - and then there’s Kirk all, “sorry guys we’ve been off course this week because my first officer seriously needed to get laid (LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA MY NECK STILL HURTS)” and “let me tell you about the Chicago Gangster planet” and “WHIPPED AND THROWN IN JAIL BY SPACE NAZIS.”
love that whole scene with the tribbles falling down on kirk and the implication that for however long it took for him to be buried, no one did anything to help or get him out. they just let the tribbles fall until he was neck deep in fur. spock stood there for ten minutes watching it happen while kirk wishes he was literally anywhere else
