ozhawkauthor:

teaberryblue:

intosnarkness:

allofthefeelings:

teaberryblue:

intosnarkness:

okay, what about clint barton getting assigned to an op with a new partner

and they have to go undercover as a married couple

clint doesn’t want to. in fact, he has the exact opposite of wanting to. he hates playing domestic

except, this time it’s easy. they mesh well. they work well together. and when it turns out that helen is using the pta bake sale to spread mind-control nanobots to the other wealthy parents into drones, it’s almost seamless to take her out and save the day

so they go home, and that night he finds himself calling his partner again

“hey,” he says when she picks up. “wanna stay married?”

“sure,” laura says. “come on over.”

When Coulson calls Clint up with a new assignment three weeks later, they’re at brunch. 

“Where are you?” Coulson asks.  “It sounds like a duck pond.”

“I’m at brunch with my wife,” Clint answered, making faces at Laura across the table.  She kicks him in the foot. 

“Wife?  What wife?”

“The one you assigned me,” Clint answers.  “Oh, by the way, thanks, Phil.  You should start a dating service.”

Eventually, Laura suggests, after several more months of confused phone calls from people who hang up with the mistaken notion that they must be at brunch for a mission that hey, maybe they should actually get a piece of paper that says they’re married and not just confuse people all the time.  

At first Clint is baffled by this.

They get to go on dates and no one ever interrupts them with stupid paperwork questions while they’re out.

“But if they think we’re on a long-term undercover gig, we’re not going to get other projects,” Laura points out. Also, they could have really good cake at their wedding. A fake marriage doesn’t have wedding cake.

Clint agrees on the condition that the cake is purple.

this post has gotten roughly 100 notes an hour since i posted it at 4pm and i think that’s beautiful

I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS NONSTOP

The cake is purple.  In fact, it’s a Smith Island Cake with every layer in a gradient from lighter to darker purple.  The filling is the lightest purple and the frosting is the darkest purple.

Laura’s dress is her favorite color, which is green.  Clint’s tie is green, too. Laura’s bridesmaids’ dresses are purple and Clint’s groomsmen–

Well, let’s just say that the only time they were in conflict over the wedding planning was when they had to decide who got Bobbi Morse and Melinda May on THEIR side.  Laura finally capitulates when they realize she has a huge extended family to invite and Clint has a brother whom he’s not really sure will show up or not.

Oh, the invitations are also purple.  And green. 

Barney DOES show up in the end, and brings a gift: an extremely large crystal punchbowl that appears large enough to swim in (they hesitate to ask where he got it), and scratch-off lottery tickets.

Laura’s family has no idea what she does for the living.  They know she works for the government, but they’re under the impression that she’s a sysadmin and the reasons she’s out of touch so often is because she has to travel to install military-grade security on bases around the globe.  Clint…doesn’t really know that many people outside of SHIELD, so their work-family has fun making up secret identities for the occasion, and they all have fun watching Laura’s uncle trying to politely suss out what the deal is with Clint’s dad without asking right out whether Clint is adopted and how Mr. Barton lost an eye. 

This is actually a Mrs Barton story I could get behind. I hope someone writes it and adds the link to this post!

dawnthefairy:

ladypandacat:

abwatt:

thegreenwolf:

falsedetective:

falsedetective:

my grandparents have to lock their car doors when they go to sunday mass because people have been breaking in to unlocked cars and leaving entire piles of zucchini

i feel like i should’ve added more context when i posted this. my grandparents live in a rural area where farmers and casual gardeners alike are, at this point in the year, suddenly being hit with unexpectedly abundant zucchini crops. there aren’t just some random vandals leaving zucchinis in people’s cars for the hell of it, this is the work of some very exasperated, probably very elderly, folks who have more zucchini than they know what to do with

Yep. You can also expect to find a bag of zucchini on your porch.

My grandfather once found his neighbor stealing his tomatoes out of his garden at three in the morning. Red-handed, with a basket of the nearly-ripened ones.  He thought he was going to find gophers or something, but no, here’s Henry, taking his tomatoes. The best ones.

There was a long pause between them.

My grandfather (allegedly) said, “Henry… it’s OK.  You can take some tomatoes if you want them.”

Henry sighed in relief.

“But,” my grandfather said, “you have to take two zucchini for every tomato.”

There was another long silence.  “That’s a harsh bargain, John,” said Henry.  “But I accept.  I’ll tell Joe up the street, too.”

My grandfather said, “Tell Joe he needs to take three.”

a friend of my dad’s came by in the middle of the night, he seemed very nervous when my dad answered the door. he wouldn’t come inside but he leaned in and whispered to my dad in spanish, “i have some fresh grapes for you.” and then this happened:

the melon was a special bonus.

MY DREAM

cowswithguns101:

thepageofhopes:

loptrcoptr:

myself-wasneverenoughforme:

mscomrade:

opaldreamcave:

I want to punch whoever came up with the phrase “the customer is always right” because the customer is wrong, like really fucking wrong, 97% of the time.

“I want the tacos with the hard shells”
Me:“ ma'am we don’t serve hard shell tacos. We have a soft flour tortilla or soft corn tortilla”
“Oh. Then I want the corn. Those are the hard shell ones right?”
Me:“no, ma'am, we don’t serve hard shell tacos. We have flour or corn tortillas”
“Flour or corn? So…which ones are the hard ones?”
-.-.-.-
“Hey the lettuce from the salad bar doesn’t taste right.”
“Uh sir we don’t have a salad bar. That’s the decorative kale for our salsa bar. It’s not meant to be eaten”
“Well if it’s not meant to be eaten why are you serving it?!”
“Sir, it’s decorative. We aren’t serving it.”
-.-.-.-
“What’s this extra charge on my receipt? Why are you charging me extra? I demand to talk to a manager!!”
“Sir that’s the tax, it’s 5% in our state.”
“No you’re trying to steal from me, I’ll have you fired!”
“Sir, it says right there that it’s the tax.”
-.-.-.-

Good god the list could go on forever

“Why aren’t you scanning my coupon?”
“Because it’s expired, Ma'am.”
“Well, can’t you just run it anyway and just… Not tell anyone?”
“No ma'am, the cash register knows all the coupons and it will detect that this one’s expired.”
“That’s not fair! You can’t just send people coupons and not let them use them when they’re only a day late!”
“Ma'am, I-”
“Can’t you just run it??”
“No, ma'am. I can’t. It’s imposs-”
“THEN FIND ME SOMEONE WHO CAN!!”

I can’t count the number of times customers will claim to know our prices better than us and the managers.

“Excuse me, there aren’t enough croutons in my salad.”

“Oh, I’m sorry but I can’t get more.”

“He has more than me.”

“We do the same amount for everyone, ma’am.”

“Find someone for me who will get me croutons.”

—-

“Do you use lard in the pie crust?”

“No, we use vegetable shortening.”

“That’s still lard.”

“No, it’s shortening, it’s from vegetable oil.”

“Now I don’t even know if I want dessert, do you have anything else?”

“We have apple pie as well.” 

“Then I’ll take that.” 

—-

“And will you be having the vegetable stew?”

“Why are you assuming that?”

“Oh well the other option is clam chowder and it’s not vegan.”

“Don’t assume that I just won’t have the clam chowder.”

“Sorry, so would you like a cup or a bowl of the clam chowder?”

“I CAN’T HAVE THE CLAM CHOWDER I’M VEGAN.”

trebled-negrita-princess:

dormouse11:

buckwildbarrelracer:

seeminglycaptivating:

A little tip for parents with children in school (or for children in school to show their parents)

My mom gave me and my sister two days every semester that she called “mental health days.”

Those were days, that for ANY reason, and without having to tell my mom the reason, we could skip the day of school. We’d just tell her we were taking a mental health day and she’d call the school and let them know we were not coming in. 

#1 This helped keep our grades up by lowering our stress levels. I never got a C in any grade school class. The majority of my classes I received A’s. I also took 4 AP classes and they were not weighted. Trust me, it made a difference.

#2 I never felt the need to skip school. I knew if I ever wanted to or needed to my mom would help me. 

Your kids are young and need time to recover. They need some days where they can do nothing but stay in bed for no reason. They need their own space where their privacy is respected. It will make a huge difference.

Will do this when I have kids

I would like to add something to this for the teachers too! (I may have already told this story on tumblr but OH WELL I’m telling it again)

One of my math teachers in high school had a policy called The Red Beanbags of Don’t Bother Me. He kept a pile of red beanbags on his desk, and at any time of the day you could go over and take one. From that point on, as long as you were in his classroom with a beanbag on your desk, no one could bother you. He wouldn’t call on you to answer problems, no students were allowed to talk to you, and perhaps most importantly, no one could ask why you took a bean bag that day. The only caveat was that if you used the beanbag more than three times in a semester you had to go talk to the school counselor about it.

I only used the beanbag a handful of times during those 4 years, but it was a godsend when I needed it. I knew people who would camp in his classroom during lunch (or even skip class and stay there all day) under the protection of the beanbag. As a teacher there’s not always a lot you can do for a student suffering mental illness/emotional abuse/ other struggles, but giving them some space and privacy in your class can make a HUGE difference.

^^^ Sometimes I wish I wanted to be a teacher just so I could do stuff like this for kids that aren’t mine

crinoline-gremlin:

rowsdower-saves-us:

enbylebeau:

xcziel:

kabber:

So I just woke up and my first thought was “what if in the four horsemen of the apocalypse, pestilence was one of those anti-vax moms?”

quite frankly the four white suburban soccer-moms of the apocalypse would scare me way more

War is the one constantly screaming at retail workers

Famine is a diet nut, one of the really annoying ones who is all ‘OMG PALEO IS THE TRUE WAY TO EAT AND IF YOU DON’T EAT PALEO YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OF CANCER’

Death drives a minivan