Icon by @ThatSpookyAgent. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
you’re a medieval peasant out with the lads for a pint, talking shit about how you’re never gonna die (as you do) when you get approached by a skinny weirdo who tells you “alright bet see you here in 100 years then” and then fucks off until it’s actually been? A 100 years? And you aren’t dead? So you go back to the tavern and the weirdo is there and tells you “yeah you can live as long as you want, just meet me for dinner once a century and tell me how things are going” so you just…do that. And the next time you see the stranger, who you’re beginning to suspect doesn’t own clothes in colors that aren’t black or darker black, he fucking abandons you to talk to some shit maudlin playwright EVEN THOUGH you just met the queen and have clearly prepared a king’s feast for the both of you and then it’s a 100 years again and the shit playwright’s works are suddenly good and being talked about everywhere and you’re getting attacked by a crazy lady but somehow the stranger makes her see ghosts with a handful of sand? And flirts with you (you’re pretty sure) so the next time you see him you’re like “ah okay we’re friends now right?” and for absolutely no reason this offends the fuck out of the stranger, who marches out onto the street like it’s a runway for Lonely Brooding so you figure he’ll cool off in a 100 years but he doesn’t show so you spend an evening getting absolutely smashed wondering what the last 600 years of your life even were and then it’s a 130 years later and your goth asshole is standing in front of you smiling and calling you his friend. You smile back. He sits down and you start to chat. You still don’t know this guy’s fucking name.
“Cosmic horror” this “cosmic horror” that. What about cosmic romance. What if the otherworldly being beyond your comprehension has a crush on you
Every so often I get a comment on this that’s like “ummm unrealistic we’d be like ants to them. Would you have a crush on an ant” personally maybe not but haven’t we all stopped and looked at a cool bug for a moment. It could happen. I could be something’s cool bug
I wanna write a Hob/Dream fic except it’s Dream being like “now we shall have sex” and Hob is like “wait for real” and Dream is like “why would it not be for real” and Hob is like “okay but like imaginary dream sex or like here in my bed right now, what are we talking” and Dream is like “firstly. dream sex is real sex. secondly yeah here on your bed in the waking world, what is confusing” and Hob is like “…like anal sex?” and Dream is like “…if you like?this seems more distressing to you than I anticipated?” Hob is like “well ever since I found out you’re the King of Dreams (which was NOT my guess for what your deal was btw fyi) I sorta assumed you…didn’t? have the parts?” and Dream is like “the parts?” and Hob has no fucking idea if this. this. being. if he has a penis and balls and or a vagina and or a butthole or like what, is like the deal. what’s up down there. metaphysically speaking. “does your kind have sex to reproduce?” and Dream is like “sometimes yes but usually no” and then Hob is like “do you need to eat food to live” and Dream is like *SCOFF* really scoffily because he is a dick, and Hob, losing his mind, is like “okay then you see my confusion because, and I’ll be crude here, why do you even need genitals or an asshole” and Dream, horny, is like “FOR SEX”
They get pretty close to having sex but then Hob is like “okay but if you have urethra, do you also have kidneys? do you need kidneys? you’re the creator and creation of humanity’s collective subconscious, right? can you get a kidney stone??” and Dream, who hasn’t fucked in a thousand years by the way and was really looking forward to doing so, is like “I get a kidney stone if I desire to have a kidney stone” and Hob is like “somehow that’s more confusing”
Hob is at last ready, he’s like “okay, great, cool, I’m ready. do we need a condom” and Dream is like “do you think a condom could possibly protect you” and Hob is like “I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR ANATOMY. AND I DON’T LIKE HOW YOU PHRASED THAT”
This by the way is the funniest post people could think is about the Minecraft guy
sorry i missed our sixth centennial meet-up because i was trapped in a glass ball in some old guy’s house and you thought it was because i still held a grudge against you because last time we met up you said we were friends and i got insecure about it, do you still think im hot?
