Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
it never hit me how shortsighted Heaven is until i realized they put a Principality (whose entire raison d’être is to protect places and people from harm) in charge of Earth, and then were genuinely surprised when Armageddon came and said Principality went absolutely off-the-grid feral trying to stop it
Where did I read the sentence “you can’t give a Principality a territory and then act surprised when they become territorial”
Honestly, given how Heaven reacts to everything throughout Good Omens, I’m 99% sure that they meant for Aziraphale to be guarding against the humans, and Aziraphale just had one of his “I’m going to selectively hear those orders” moments, and the rest was history.
“And,” Gabriel said with a wink, “you’re going to be a guardian in the human realm.”
Aziraphale nodded and winked back.
As methods of communication go, a wink is quite versatile. You can say a lot with a wink. For example, Gabriel’s wink meant:
You’re going to go down to that earthly territory and make sure those hairless monkeys don’t do anything to get in the way of the divine plan and make sure they know what it is to fear the wrath of the Almighty and behave themselves as lesser beings should.
And as far as he was concerned, Aziraphale’s answering wink meant: I shall indeed descend to the earthly plane full of gross matter and hairless monkeys and be sure to keep them in their well-deserved place, beneath our divine heel.
Whereas Aziraphale, on the other hand, thought that Gabriel’s wink was more along the lines of: You lucky beggar Aziraphale, getting to go down there and look after God’s new humans and all the exciting things they have to make and discover. Now you go down there and experience all the humans have to offer and protect them with your life.
And therefore, his own wink had meant: Message received and understood. The humans will never have a more stalwart guardian. Looking for to seeing what sushi is when it comes around.
It took quite some time for angels to learn the important of using words when dispatching pedantic principalities on human-sitting duty.
so like, people who watched good omens, hoped the characters would directly say “i love you” to each other, and then said it was homophobic that they didn’t… it frustrates me for many reasons, but one of the in-story reasons it frustrates me is that if you’re one of two beings who understand each other in the entire universe, and you show up for each other over and over again no matter what… I simply feel like that is love. it is acting out a love that can only be understood by the two of you. and it is understood that those actions are explicit acts of love. it may be denied at first because you’re supposed to be an angel or a demon, but eventually you’re the only person who can take care of the other, so it can’t really be denied anymore that your relationship is the only one like it and you want/need to cultivate it. but it still doesn’t need to be said in those specific words. because of course it is love, there’s no other choice but to love each other - you’re the only people who fully understand each other and relate to and charmed by each other.
and i feel like letting your relationship be everything that it is and letting it exist in the way both of you are comfortable with because, ultimately, the people involved understand the dynamic… i think that’s pretty queer and lovely.
Douglas: Now tell us about - are you going to tell us the story about you and Terry…
Neil: Yes, I will.
Douglas: I think that’s important one.
Neil: I was gonna say our location is a Chinese restaurant we’d had turned into a sushi restaurant. So Terry and I, Terry Pratchett and I, had a standing… not even a standing joke, just a standing plan, that we were going to have sushi - there was going to be a scene in Good Omens where sushi was eaten and we were gonna be extras, we were gonna sit in the background, eating sushi while it was done. And I was so looking forward to this and, so I wrote this scene with it being sushi, even though Terry was gone, with that in mind and I thought: Oh, I’ll sit and I’ll eat lots of sushi as an extra, this will be my scene as an extra, I’ll just be in the background. And then, on the day, or a couple of days before, I realized that I couldn’t do it.
Douglas: You never told me this before either. I might have pushed you into doing it, had I known. I think you were right not to tell me.
Neil: I was keeping it to me self ‘cause I was always like: Oh, maybe I’ll be… this will be my cameo. And then I couldn’t. I was just so sad, ‘cause Terry wasn’t there. And it was probably the day that I missed Terry the most of all of the filming - it was just this one scene ‘cause it was written for Terry and all of the sushi meals we’d ever had and all of the strange way that sushi ran through Good Omens.
Aziraphale’s phone rings. He answers, expecting it to be Crowley. But to his surprise, it’s a demon he’s never met.
“I’m Crowley’s replacement,” the demon says. “He’s not done anything impressive lately, and Downstairs doesn’t like how ineffective he is at keeping you in line. So now he’s shuffling paperwork and scooping up hellhound shit while I do his job for him.”
“Ah… I see,” Aziraphale says icily. “Well, I most assuredly do not look forward to working with you.”
The demon laughs. “Feeling’s mutual.”
Twenty-four hours later, the demon is very surprised to find himself discorporated in his sleep. He can’t explain what happened, he has absolutely no idea.
“Don’t let it happen again,” Beelzebub says, annoyed, and sends the demon back up.
After a mere three days, the demon ends up discorporated again.
A new replacement is sent up. This one lasts for a week and a day.
A third replacement is sent up. This one lasts for exactly four hours.
Three demons are sent up next time. Two manage to stay alive for at least five months. In that time, they botch four very important temptations, and the citizens of London inexplicably find their daily lives much improved in thousands of little ways. Traffic and pollution are nonexistent, injury and illness are miraculously avoided. Church attendance is up five hundred percent, and every politician and CEO is struck by the urge to donate as much money as possible to charity. There’s a general feeling of contentedness and goodwill in the air that wasn’t there before. It feels downright heavenly.
Suddenly, Beelzebub is having a very hard time finding anyone to take Crowley’s post. Bribes and threats make no difference. The rumors have spread and only grown more disturbing in the telling. Not one demon is willing to go up there and face the cold, calculated, merciless wrath of the angel known as Aziraphale.
Crowley absolutely loses it when someone gets around to telling him. “Y’know, I could’ve warned you,” he says gleefully. “Been working with him for thousands of years. I know exactly how much of a bastard he can be.”
After running the numbers and seeing how many souls they’ve lost to Heaven in the past year, Beelzebub gives up and concludes that trying to replace Crowley is a massive waste of resources Hell can’t afford.
After one year, Aziraphale receives another phone call. He answers, with bated breath, and nearly shouts for joy when he hears a familiar voice.
“Hi, angel. Lunch on me?”
OP this is exactly, completely, my kind of Aziraphale characterization I’m in love with this little fic
Most shows with overpowered supernatural characters always try to come up with elaborate excuses to explain why the characters can’t just magic themselves out of every situation. Good Omens doesn’t really do that, but you don’t really question it because you completely buy that these morons are so unequivocally incompetent that they straight up forget that they have the powers of fucking demigods. They’re like high-level d&d characters who only use the same three moves and have completely forgotten about the 73 magic items sitting in their inventory.
Crowley: I was totally planning on teleporting to this galaxy 4.3 light-years away but then you died and I was sad :(
Aziraphale: Oh I’m sorry. But listen, I need you to go to this village about an hour outside of London
Crowley: You Want me to GO WHere?? How the– how the FUuuck am I supposed to- I can’t Drive, it’s Rush Hour! You want me to WaLK?? In the Rain??! Please, be Realistic.
I cannot express the effect this post had on me. I read it aloud to my roommate and she burst into helpless laughter because it had never occurred to her that Crowley could do anything to get to Tadfield but drive the Bentley. It absolutely never had occurred to me, either. We both have been reading, rereading, and loving this book for about a decade now.
Barely able to keep his eyes open, Crowley squeezed Aziraphale’s hand. “This is our stop. You with me?”
Aziraphale bit his lip, expression anxious again. As if he was unsure whether this was the right thing to do. But then he exhaled slowly and smiled. “Yes, my dear. Always.”
Crowley returned the smile, although it was hard to get his mouth to cooperate. His legs, too, objected to the movement, wobbling underneath him as he rose and followed Aziraphale off the bus.
It was a damn good thing they were holding hands. Because despite the dangers ahead, despite all the things they needed to discuss, Crowley was drained.
Aziraphale stayed close beside him as they headed up to the flat, not letting go of his hand even once they were inside. “Oh my. This has all been…”
“A lot,” Crowley finished for him. The world was almost foggy, but his heart was still beating way too fast. Gosh, he really didn’t feel well. More alcohol, that’s what he needed. Would at least take the edge off the tension, make him less keyed up. “Let’s have some more wine, yeah?”
He snapped his fingers to miracle a bottle. Absolutely nothing happened.
hc that aziraphale used to submit vague personal ads in the newspaper to plan rendezvous w crowley. the system worked pretty well, except for that time crowley accidently met up w someone who Was Most Assuredly Not Aziraphale
Crowley, sauntering into somewhere ready to mock Aziraphale for his latest personal ad “soft middle aged man seeks evening companion. serpentine and/or reptilian features a bonus. No questions asked. Women need not apply.” Because honestly Aziraphale even for you this one is *weird* and promptly turns and runs when he realized that oh no that was very much not Aziraphale.
Crowley also once responded to
“Angel will be feeding ducks at St James’ Park Monday 10am”
and he’s ready to give Aziraphale shit because that one is a bit too obvious but it turns out it’s a lovely old English woman named Angela who had a typo when she sent it to the newspaper and oh well since he was here anyway would he like to feed the ducks with her, her friend Peggy recently died and she’s just been looking for someone to feed the ducks with it used to be a regular outing for them and now she’s at such a loss- and my isn’t he a skinny one would he like a sandwich, she’s got one packed in her handbag and oh look don’t the ducks seem to like you, dear? Do you come here often?
Crowley takes the sandwich because she’s very adamant about it and even though she looks like a strong enough wind would hinder her movement, there’s something in her eyes that makes Crowley know better than to fight too hard. It’s ham and cheese on homemade bread with a good amount of butter.
She says her name is Angela but he can call her Angie. He says his name is Anthony and he’s had people call him Tony and he didn’t love it but nicknames are a human thing so he tells her she can call him Tony and she gives him a once over and says he doesn’t strike her as a Tony and Anthony will suit just fine, thanks.
And they feed the ducks and Angie natters on about her life and Crowley nods and makes the appropriate encouraging noises because she’s actually interesting to listen to and when the bread runs out she dusts off her hands and and smiles at him and thanks him so genuinely and sincerely that Crowley tells her he could meet her here again. If she liked.
And they on and off meet every now and then until one day he and Aziraphale are there and she comes up, calling him Anthony and handing him a sandwich because she’s always giving him something because honestly what do you EAT, Anthony? And Aziraphale is shocked to silence but the pair get on so well and Angie tells Aziraphale about the time Anthony tried to fight a swan that stole the bread bag right from her hand and the time he held out his hand to help her over a puddle and how she knitted him a scarf because he’s all bone and must get dreadful chill.
And then just when Crowley thinks it can’t get worse she reaches over and pats aziraphale’s perfectly manicured hand and says “and of course he’s told me so much about you, dear.” And he promptly decides he needs to be elsewhere.
