Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
Here’s the thing: I won’t help you move, but I won’t shame you for asking, and I’ll show up with food I made once all your stuff is inside your house so you don’t have to survive on takeout until your whole kitchen is unpacked. (I’ll also refer you to people I know who will help you move, and get you helpful tips from folks I know who were professional movers before chronic illness made that not a viable career anymore.)
I won’t stay up all night with you on the phone the night before I have to work, but you should know that if we’re friends, you never ever have to worry about texting me “too much” about anything. I will read and respond to all of your messages enthusiastically if you’re happy and empathetically if you’re sad, as soon as I can. I will offer you a choice between empathetic listening, chattering distraction, or advice. I can deliver on any three of those.
If you introduce your deepest traumas to me the first time we meet, or if they are all we ever talk about, then we’re gonna need to have a conversation about boundaries, but I will still like you and reassure you as best I can that those events do not define you and are not your fault.
I will not babysit your infant child - you really don’t want me to do that anyway, I’m no good with babies - but I will get you a carefully curated selection of picture books for them every birthday and holiday. I will pick up formula from the store near me because the stores near you are out. If you or your partner gave birth, you bet I’m showing up with food and those pads with witch hazel on them to keep in your freezer.
There’s nuance to be had here in this conversation. Part of building a community is realizing that nobody can do everything - that different friends are going to serve different roles in your life, and that while not everybody can show up for everything all the time, you’ll be surprised how many people will show up for you if you let them decide how they can and will do it.
and maybe i am a little bit in love with all of my friends. how could i not be when they place their whole heart in my hands and trust me to carry it safely home? lazy days spent in comfortable silence, tearful nights spent giving each other a reason to live. the exhilaration of learning your little quirks melting into a future where i know you better than the lines on my open palms. mutual understanding to be forever gentle with one another. inside jokes that follow me long after you’ve gone, reminding me to slow down and laugh a little more. your eyes are the lens through which i can see the world with love. your embrace is the shelter under which i find strength to continue on.
You do not have to be affectionate all the time to care for someone, in fact, caring can also mean a couple of texts or silence for a few days while you both live your lives happily and separately.
People do not care for you less when they’re busy with their own lives. It’s your reaction to them being their own person - and your ability to make yourself happy - that determines how they feel about you.
Not everyone reciprocates to your actions the same way. If you want someone to acknowledge, be interested in, or treat you a certain way for your efforts, all you have to do is let them know. They will try their personal best to accommodate that within their personal spectrum of feelings.
No one owes you 100% of them, not even after 30 years, because someone having a percentage of themselves is what keeps them sane at the end of the day and that’s okay.
