Icon by @ThatSpookyAgent. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
garak eventually gets a medal for all his volunteer work
sure the extermination of the Founders was just “attempted” but we don’t shit on people just because their volunteer efforts don’t turn out as intended. these are complex situations. think of the espionage and killing he DID do, and for free
thinking about twenty years later garak, with very long grey hair, a bit fuller in the face and lined with wrinkles, in a nice elegant cardassian robe of his own design, having worked tirelessly to rebuild his homeworld and achieved a spot in their new democracy, finally living instead of simply surviving, happy and at some kind of peace
Real talk it’s actually very gratifying to write Julian being utterly, hopelessly, horny for Garak and not getting why anyone who likes men wouldn’t be
The point here is not that Garak is unattractive and Julian has a skewed perception BTW its about the fact that Garak has multiple traits that render him unattractive to the average Star Trek audience (which is also true of Julian- there’s a reason Siddig didnt consider himself handsome at the time DS9 was filmed and its because Americans have no fucking taste. Which is also why I don’t think ‘Julian gets no puss’ jokes are funny). Garak is pretty and sexy and as a character exists in a time when middle aged fat effeminate men are not considered sexual beings by the general public, much less as desirable. The desirability of effeminate men is very much predicated on their thinness and youth, among other things.
This is a post about queer desire and the gratification of being able to depict aspects of oneself as desirable when you’ve spent your whole life being subtly told that one thing or another will permanently place being desired outside your reach.
once again thinking about garak saying “i have given you all the answers i’m capable of” at the end of the wire and how it’s probably the most painfully honest and raw thing he ever fucking says to julian in the whole entire fucking show. like i’ll never feel normal about it.
take me as i am, or let me be.
julian chooses - continues to choose - to take whatever version of garak he’s allowed to have. and it continues to be the most honest version of himself that garak is capable of giving him. feeling truly unhinged about it!
that meta about sloan using the D.E.N.N.I.S. system on julian is literally exactly why there is no happy ending for this bitch without garak in his life. nobody else understands how that shit works in the bone-deep instinctual way of someone who was born into it, groomed into it, lived it, breathed it, and then was kicked out into the mud and stomped on by it. julian will never again be pure in his ideals, that’s true, but garak was the first person to teach him about how that is ok actually!
julian forgave garak and he can learn to forgive himself too, but he won’t bother if there’s no one in his life who actually sees that darkness in him. garak knows. garak can’t judge him. but garak also by his very nature can’t let julian forget about these things or pretend they’re not real. they’re reflections of each other in a grimy distorted funhouse mirror that’s somehow the most honest thing in both their lives. your honor,,,,,
