The Massive Continuity of Ducks

secondbeatsongs:

strap in: it’s time for some nonsense!
so, first things first: context
a bit ago, I saw this post going around that talked about the way Frederick the Great took his coffee. and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. I mean, look at it:
[Image transcription:
“Frederick the Great used to make his own coffee, with much to-do and fuss. For water he used champagne. Then, to make the flavour stronger, he stirred in powdered mustard. Now to me it seems improbable that Frederick truly liked this brew. I suspect him of bravado. Or perhaps he was taste-blind.”]
this quote seems to be from “Serve It Forth”, a 1937 book by M.F.K Fisher about culinary history. it seem like a fun and interesting book! but…I can’t find many other sources that say that Frederick the Great actually drank his coffee this way.
there are some sources that say he drank his coffee with mustard, but some say it was with peppercorns instead, and a few others say it was with mustard and peppercorns. and a lot of different websites mention the champagne thing, either with or without mustard (and sometimes peppercorns), but none of them cite their sources
so, I can’t figure out where any of this is coming from
honestly, the most reliable source so far seems to be what’s listed on his wikipedia page, which mentions him drinking six to eight cups of coffee a day, “laced with mustard and peppercorns”. but I don’t think the champagne thing shot up from nowhere - I just can’t find the origin of that story!
ah, well. I’ll have to keep looking.
anyway, this is all to say that this is not an experiment in historical accuracy. I am not a historian, and although I have learned things about 18th century coffee preparation, I don’t really have a way to make it accurate, even if this really was the way that Frederick the Great drank his coffee.
what I do have is:
coffee that I got from Costco before the pandemic and still haven’t used up yet
Stardancer Sparkling Rosé that I got at the Korean grocery store for $2
and, lastly:
a cauldron
why? ehh, I felt like it. that’s enough of a reason.
let’s get cooking!
welcome to my kitchen!
as you can see, the countertops are as red as the blood of my enemies. I’ve been told it’s because this house was built over 50 years ago, and apparently that was in fashion back then.
and as you can also (kinda) see in the above photos, I have put one cup of champagne into the cauldron, and have started heating it up over medium-high heat.
(and I’ve put some in a glass with some ice, because hey, I might as well enjoy this, right?)
okay! up to temp, and I’ve stirred in about 2.5tbsp of the coffee grounds. it bubbled a lot, which was pretty cool to look at
…it’s really hard to figure out how this actually looks, because with the weird kitchen lighting and the darkness of the cauldron, it just kinda looks like…opaque sludge?
but surely it can’t be that. right?
it is still the general consistency of normal coffee, it seems - and god. the smell coming off of it is really something. coffee and hot wine…it’s not bad, but I wouldn’t call it good either.
(this is when the cats came running in, because they’ve started to associate the smell of coffee with them getting treats. this is my dad’s fault - he likes to give them a little bit of whipped cream whenever he makes his coffee, and they’re absolute whipped cream fiends.
they were very disappointed that I was making them no such offer xD)
anyway, about 4 minutes later, this strange-smelling brew is ready to be strained!
I started like this ^ with a strainer lined with a coffee filter, but tbh? that didn’t work well at all. it clogged and got stuck. so in the end, I took out the coffee filter, and put it through just the strainer.
it seemed to work okay! there’s some sediment at the bottom of the cup, but I don’t see any grounds, so I think we’re in the clear.
before I add the mustard, I’m going to taste it as-is, just to see what the champagne-coffee combo is all about.
…
huh!
okay, so…that. well, that definitely tastes. but I might have a problem here, because what it really tastes like, overpowering every other flavor, is…rust.
when did I last use this pot?
…have I ever used this pot?
I got this cauldron on…ebay? craigslist? I can’t remember, but I bought it online and picked it up from someone’s house probably seven, eight years ago. and in the time since then…I don’t think I’ve ever used it for cooking?
I know that I’ve seen other pots like this called “fire starter pots”, but now that I think of it, I don’t actually know what that means. and I feel like I should probably google that real quick? so give me a minute.
…
so, the internet seems to think that there’s a chance that this cauldron once contained kerosene, and considering how that’s pretty much jet fuel, I’m going to maybe make this coffee in something else?? jfc
I am going to add some mustard first though, because fuck it, that’s why
yeah, this isn’t much improved. I can’t really taste much over the overwhelming rust flavor.
welp.
okay! attempt #2!
I am lazy, and not willing to clean another pot today, so we’re using a pyrex measuring cup! and because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, we’re heating it up in the microwave!
(you can see just how much I’ve given up at this point. but it’s okay! we’ll get there!)
wow, it really foamed up when I added the coffee, which is interesting! I know it did that in the cauldron too, but it was harder to see, so it’s fascinating looking at it like this.
followed the same procedure as before - steep about 4mins, strain (I washed the strainer first, it’s fine), and now I again have a cup of champagne coffee.
now I can truly experience this!
…
interesting
by itself, this really isn’t terrible. it’s very warming, and I dunno if I’d drink it again, but…yeah, that certainly is something.
it’s tricking my brain in a weird way - it smells more like coffee than like wine now, but when I go to take a sip, the alcohol is what hits me first.
still, it’s not bad? it’s not overwhelmingly fruity - maybe it’s the champagne I picked, but this isn’t a huge conflict of flavors like I thought it would be. honestly, it’s pretty much okay. it’s just coffee with alcohol in it, and I am not mad at it!
so.
you know what the next step is. I know what the next step is.
let’s do this.
I’ve added about half a tablespoon of mustard. which is, for the record, a lot of mustard. at least, for this amount of coffee it is.
…
the smell…oh, the smell is horrible. but the taste is…improved?
the mustard seems to mellow it out a bit, somehow. maybe it tones down the bitterness?
I like to smell coffee as I go to drink it, but with this one I just can’t. I just will not. the second I tip it towards my mouth, I am overwhelmed with the scents of deviled eggs, coffee, and hot wine. and these smells do not mix well.
if Frederick the Great did actually like his coffee like this, I have some questions for him about the functionality of his nose, because jesus christ. it’s not a good smell.
but if I don’t sniff…it’s fine? it’s just black coffee, with a bit of an alcohol-fruit flavor, and some sharpness that’s not out of place. maybe like a mulled wine gone wrong?
this is better than the pumpkin spice ramen for sure, though. I don’t know if I’d do this again, but compared to some of the other things I’ve tried, it’s really not horrible.
it does look kind of sickly, though
the color is not appetizing. there’s sort of a yellow ring around it
drinking more of it…I mean, it’s like halfway to an Irish coffee? a really bad Irish coffee. made by someone who only has a loose understanding of what an Irish coffee is.
I wonder what it would be like with sugar?
…
okay. bad idea!
nope. nope nope. nope!
the sugar brought out the fruitiness of the wine! and now it’s clashing with everything! a horrific war going on in my mouth, each flavor fighting to see which is the strongest!
the winner: unclear. the loser? me.
I feel like I’ve learned something today.
final thoughts:
I did save some of the unsweetened Frederick coffee, and chilled it to see if it was better or worse cold. it was, in my opinion, mildly worse. I think the heat helped hide the wine taste, whereas the cold made it a bit more obvious what I was drinking.

I tried adding peppercorns and steeping them in it for a while when it was hot, but tbh, I couldn’t taste anything different, so I didn’t think it was worth mentioning in the main part of the post. and I’m still sad that I couldn’t taste it, because I love pepper :(

Frederick the Great sounds like a weird dude (affectionate)! but I feel like anyone would be weird after being forced to watch their boyfriend’s execution by beheading

like, really, that was a thing that happened! I am not joking! go read the wikipedia pages about him if you’re interested in hearing about the tragic romantic life of this fascinating and probably-gay man

…I say “probably” above, but no, let’s be real here. straight people don’t say things like, “Fortune has it in for me; she is a woman, and I am not that way inclined.”
anyway, this has been fun! I’m gonna go eat some pasta and drink more of that cheap champagne.

Frederick the Great’s Coffee (allegedly)

which gay are you