Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.

The Real World: Avengers Tower

  • Interviewer: So what's it like living with Tony?
  • Bruce: When I moved in, he insisted on funding all of my research. Except, you know, ever since The Incident, all my work's been theoretical. It's not actually that expensive. I've started just spending all the extra on fruit pies, just to see if he was keeping track. He isn't. There are a lot of unused rooms in this building, and at least three of them are stacked floor to ceiling with fruit pies. He hasn't said a word.
  • Natasha: It turned out Pepper and I both speak French. Tony doesn't. Now, whenever he walks in, we just start whispering in French and giggling. Half the time we're just exchanging recipes. He pretends not to be eavesdropping, but the other day I caught him asking JARVIS what 'des oeufs' meant.
  • Clint: I bought this big bag of little plastic flies, right? And whenever he's not paying attention, I throw them into his drink. Half the time he doesn't even notice and just drinks the damn things, but the other half? He starts checking all the house filtration systems, the exterminators, the works. He can't figure out where all these flies are coming from. He's fumigated three times in the last month.
  • Thor: I attempted to provide assistance with a project, but Stark assured me that it was 'very technical', and that I would not understand the intricacies. I can see why he would think so, as I am a mere Prince of Asgard, taught such basic engineering when I was a child and his ancestors could not yet walk. It has been five weeks, and he still has not corrected the misaligned condenser coil causing the problem.
  • Steve: I don't know what Howard taught that kid, but he seems to be under the impression that homosexuality was invented in 2000. He keeps leaving magazines and pictures lying around like the sight of two men holding hands is going to give me a heart attack. I don't have the heart to tell him about the Greeks.
  • Interviewer: So how are things in Avengers Tower?
  • Tony: How are things? I have no idea. I really don't. There's some kind of insect infestation in the vents and I think a spy is trying to seduce my girlfriend into moving to France. I tried to prank Captain America with gay porn, but him and Thor just started trying to reverse-engineer workout routines. The other day I went into one of the spare rooms, and I found some kind of one-armed sex hobo sitting on a throne of empty fruit pie boxes. I just walked out and closed the door. I don't even wanna know.
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Anonymous: Um. Clint makes Steve and Bucky read Harry Potter. The Avengers all have very, very strong opinions about which house they get sorted into. Bucky thinks he's a Slytherin, but Steve says he's a Hufflepuff through and through.
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ifeelbetterer:

“This isn’t a legitimate classification system,” said Steve angrily, throwing the book onto the couch next to Clint. “This is bullshit. They’re children, for cripe’s sake.”

Clint’s eyebrows rose to comical levels.

"You can’t just isolate different children or—or— or try to predetermine their characters at age eleven,” Steve said, thoroughly angry. “And you certainly can’t condemn an entire fourth of your school’s population to a villainy house, what the hell is that?”

He started to pace.

"As if people never change! As if there’s no moral or ethical growth after age eleven!

Bucky reached over Clint and picked up the book. Clint gave him a look and he shrugged.

"Hell, if it makes Steve this angry, I gotta check it out,” he explained.

***

“This isn’t a basis for education!” Bucky shouted. “Where are the art classes, huh? Kids this age should have access to art classes.”

“Exactly!” shouted Steve. “Maybe a little less institutionalized racism and a little more arts education, am I right?”

Clint buried his head in his hands.