Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
I just want to remind everyone of this extremely powerful scene from In Purgatory’s Shadow/By Inferno’s Light from season 5 of ds9.
“I’m sorry, but that’s absolutely unacceptable. I’m under enough strain as it is, I can’t have you quitting on me. Get a hold of yourself, Garak. After all, you haven’t had one of these attacks in years. Yes, this is a tight enclosed space. Yes, there’s not a lot of room to move. But a disciplined mind does not allow itself to be sidetracked by niggling psychological disorders like claustrophobia. Besides, this isn’t like Tzenketh. The walls won’t collapse in on you. Your friends are near by, there’s plenty of air, so there’s nothing to be concerned about. Focus on the job. You’re the only person who can contact the runabout. People are depending on you. Ziyal is depending on you. You promised her you’d come back, and that young lady has had quite enough disappointments in her life without you adding to them, so control yourself. You’re stronger than this. A disciplined mind-”
This is one of the most accurate depictions of a panic attack I’ve ever seen in a tv show. Andy Robinson went above and beyond here. He depicted it perfectly. That choking panic that rises in your throat and steals your breath, while your mind screams at you. The fear in his voice as he talks to try and ground himself.
The sheer strength and fear and dread of Garak, as he prepares to go back in, knowing what awaits him. That choking cloying panic, your mind and body betraying you…
I read somewhere that Andy Robinson is himself claustrophobic. I wonder how much of himself he poured out into these scenes.
It’s powerful because it’s real. People go through this every day of their lives. And seeing a scene like this, it reminds us we are not alone, that there are others who suffer like this too.
Watching In Purgatory’s Shadow and By Inferno’s Light like…
You’re not stealing a runabout.
You’re being dragged to see Sisko instead
Sisko looks like he’s chewing them out for yet another early morning security call
Garak is defending his usage of PowerPoint presentations to win a fight
Local lizard threatened by evil formerly local lizard
Garak tries to convince Klingon to sponsor him for Starfleet because he’s bored.
What are you doing in my prison camp?
But I said goodbye to you before I left! We had a big night of argumentative sex! There was even a PowerPoint presentation!
Go home Garak and get us out of this hellhole.
Welp, no luck. Better get back into my dungeon of no fun and no Julian cuddles.
Ominous music and sandwiches
I’m sorry, but that’s absolutely unacceptable. I’m under enough strain as it is, I can’t have you quitting on me.
More ominous music and no sandwiches
Time to save Garak with impressive stabby skills for a doctor
Ominous crescendo
And poor Julian is left thinking no one cared enough to notice he was acting a bit odd.
So @stopthatbluecat and I have been discussing her Siskoshir au. I had an idea that she isn’t going to use, so I’m writing this post. It’s too fun not to share!
Julian and Ben are dating. But then, the Changeling comes, and the first thing he does is break up with Ben. This creates distance for the Changeling to hide, but Ben still has this nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right. He can’t quite pin it down.
Then Garak gets the signal from Tain, and something clicks for Ben. He suddenly is nearly sure Julian is a Changeling. Little things start to make so much sense. He doesn’t want to spook the Changeling until he knows the real Julian is safe. He tells Dax and Kira to keep an eye on “Julian” while he, not Worf, goes with Garak to the Gamma Quadrant.
(Oh also Julian is dating Ben but he still has feelings for Garak which Ben knows about and is fine with. Garak doesn’t know about Julian’s feelings but he of course harbors feelings for Julian)
Ben and Garak still fly into that nebula and get captured. Garak has his whole moment with Tain. Then, Julian walks in, and Ben has to hold himself very still not to rush up and hold him. Julian, for his part, isn’t quite sure which one of them he is happier to see. But he falls into Ben’s arms once the Jem'Hadar leave the room. (Tain probably says some homophobic shit bc he’s Tain, but he dies soon so fuck him)
Julian watches over Garak during his shifts in the wall. But Ben can’t tolerate fighting the Jem'Hadar as well as Worf could. So Julian makes a decision. He volunteers himself to fight. At first no one wants to let him, because he looks like this waif of a man, but then they figure he will be fun for an appetizer. But! Obv it turns out Julian is an augment and he can take much more of a beating, and dish it out, than anyone expected. And that is how Ben, Garak, and Martok find out Julian’s secret.
Ben ends up being the one keeping an eye on Garak while he’s in the wall and Julian is fighting. Julian is still there when Tain dies tho. I wouldn’t take that away from them. But this way Ben and Garak develop a bond and a higher respect for one another. Also Garak’s feelings for Julian become more apparent in his reactions to Julian’s injuries.
I think they don’t all form a happy poly triangle right away but they might make the first steps toward such a thing. Julian realizes that Garak has feelings for him which is something he has to reconcile along with the fact that Ben was the only one to suspect the Changeling wasn’t him.
They all decide not to tell Julian’s secret. When his parents arrive, Julian gets much more support and understanding from Ben and Garak. They do their best to keep Richard and Amsha contained, but the secret still gets out. Events play out mostly as they do in the show, but Julian is less alone through the whole mess. And he is never expected to forgive or reconcile with his parents.
And that is how I would do Purgatory’s Shadow/Inferno’s Light and Doctor Bashir, I Presume differently assuming Julian and Sisko were dating.
Example of Star Trek Addressing Social Issues - Mental Illness
This scene got me right in the gut when I first saw it. It was revealed earlier in the episode that Garak suffers from extreme claustrophobia, experiencing a severe attack just a few scenes before this one. I was already expecting Martok and Worf to dismiss Garak’s mental illness, especially because the Klingon Empire prides its people on physical strength. I was waiting for them to call him a coward, not “getting over it” like I’ve heard so many times in my own life about mental illness. But as seen above that’s not what happened, the exact opposite does. Its moments like this that make me love Star Trek, even for all its flaws. Sometimes I get to see past my conditioned reaction of the worst, and get to see the best in people instead.
TDLR; Star Trek may be about aliens in the future, but it connects to me on a human level - more than most modern shows do today.
I also would like to once again state I don’t think we talk enough about how Julian Bashir just grabbed a knife and stabbed that Jem Hadar soldier with 0 hesitation in “By Inferno’s Light”. Killing that guard was incredibly easy for him and that’s not normal to his character at all and implies he went through a Lot more at that camp than was shown on screen
