Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
i think there’s an instinct some people feel when receiving gender-based abuse by cisgender women to say
“oh, it’s complicated, because she’s very abusive, but she just wanted what was best for me!”
no, she wanted to abuse you, and being abused was not what was best for you.
“oh well, yes, she policed my gender presentation as a trans guy or nonbinary person but she was frightened of me receiving detrimental effects from society”
she WAS the detrimental effect. she did that.
no one is protecting you from the sword by slitting you open with their own dagger. that’s not how this works
cisgender women who attack trans people don’t want to protect us. they’re hurting us because they want to hurt us
saying they do it to protect us is just part of the abuser’s playbook - and it plays on the gender essentialist lie that women can’t abuse, that if their actions hurt you they didn’t mean to, or they meant the best for you
cisgender women aren’t protecting you when they model eating disorders or criticise your body, nor when they verbally abuse you, slutshame you, physically touch you, when they police your meals or criticise your behaviour, when they HURT you
“oh but she said she did it to help me”
of course she did. how else better to convince you to let her keep doing it? how else better to convince herself that she has every right to do so?
she doesn’t! you deserve better!
You know what I’m going to say it.
Some of them truly do THINK they’re trying to help you and have good intentions. AND! IT’S STILL JUST AS FUCKED UP AND WRONG!
Someone doesn’t have to openly be TRYING to hurt you for it to be abuse! It’s still abuse either way even if they love you and even if they truly were afraid of an aspect of your personhood harming you more! Their intent does not negate their actions.
They might not have meant to abuse. Some people rationalize their own abuse even and continue the harmful cycles they themselves were subject to. That doesn’t change the fact it was harmful! They don’t have to want to hurt you, they are!
That’s all you need to accept.
There are people who do it purposely, and some who fool even themselves into thinking they’re truly, genuinely, 100% doing something in your best interest and both examples are equally wrong and harmful and you don’t need to take it either way.
If your partner feels threatened when you want alone time: RUN.
welp
thats creepy
This applies to you boys too- if your girlfriend won’t let you hang out with your friends, RUN
No matter what gender you or your partner are, if they refuse to let you spend any time with your friends that’s a big sign of danger.
GUESS WHAT MY EX BELIEVED 🙃🙃🙃
Last time I reblogged this I lost ten followers, someone I liked blocked me, and I got hate mail in my inbox for several days. Let’s see what happens this time.
Abuse begins with insecurity
My ex wouldn’t even accept a ride from my friend who offered to drive us home in the pouring Orlando rain and instead forced us to walk 12 minutes in the rain, soaking my only pair of work shoes and giving me a cold. FUCKING RED FLAGS
If you gotta worry about a girl’s night then either your S/O isn’t trustworthy and you know it, or you’re paranoid and controlling, and in either case then you shouldn’t be in that relationship.
Also, this still applies with platonic friends, too. Possessiveness and emotional abuse don’t have to include a romantic or sexual component.
aloha from hell, richard kadrey | the lion in winter, james goldman | the blind assassin, margaret atwood | averno, louise gluck | funeral, phoebe bridgers | cut, catherine lacey | margaret atwood
Elim Garak understands something really upsetting and bad happening, but when you look back on it, even if it was straight up abuse, going “oh, that wasn’t too bad” and underplaying it. It might not make sense, but it’s a common reaction to trauma or abuse to underplay it and try to convince yourself or others that it wasn’t too bad, or that you’re overreacting by calling it abuse, even if there’s evidence to the contrary. It can take a while to admit to yourself that this thing that happened was really bad and maybe even damaging to you, and it can be really hard to do that. Remember to take care of yourself and reach out to safe people who care about you if you need help working through this. He believes in you.
My usual retort to people who don’t want “universal healthcare/education/basic income/etc.” under the pretense that “the rich shouldn’t have access to it” is that it’s cheaper to just give it to everyone no-question-asked than to try and judge every single case just to exclude a tiny minority of them.
But this tweet thread? This right there? That’s a damn powerful argument. Something that can actually convince people emotionally, more than my cynical, it’s-cheaper-that-way, pragmatic approach.
I’ll keep it, and I’ll re-use it, because it’s with thread like this that you change the world, one opinion at a time.
The number of people I know, myself included, who stayed in the closet because they feared the lose of financial support from their parent is crazy.
My partner grew up poor. Her parents didn’t have shit. But they managed to financially abuse her in this exact manner just by refusing to provide documentation that they were poor. No parental income documentation? No FAFSA. No FAFSA? None of the need-based aid she was 100% qualified for. No aid? No college for her poor ass.
So no, this “but what if a person who didn’t need the help got it” rhetoric will not just harm the children of the rich, even the marginalized and estranged children of the rich. It harms everyone whose parents don’t want them to succeed.
how about this: when i was 9 and my stepdad beat me until i passed out and i told my friends at school, my teacher over heard and i was interviewed by cps. they also went to my house when i was at school. when i got home, my step father was waiting on the couch, and told me who visited him that day. he told me if i ever snitched again he would beat me to within an inch of my life.
how about this: my mother locked me out of the house when i was 14 and when i cried so loud the neighbors called the cops, the cop told me i should have been respectful of my mother who was trying to sleep.
how about this. the demon you know is less scary than the demon you don’t.
children in abused households are raised to fear the idea of being taken away. children in abusive households see that help makes things worse.
dont you ever blame an abuse victim for not going to the authorities.
A note on the topic of trauma that I personally found helpful in accepting the idea that I am a trauma victim is that one of the most widely accepted facts in the field of trauma research is that abuse is often not the common factor in whether somebody will develop ptsd.
Many people can go through awful things without developing trauma based disorders as long as they receive compassion and support in processing those events as they happen. The most common factor in developing something like ptsd is emotional neglect. And emotional neglect on it’s own can be enough.
Whatever you went through was enough I promise, you’re not overreacting. Abuse and neglect are traumatic at any level, you don’t need to have gone through the worst possible experience you can think of to develop ptsd. If it hurt you then it hurt you.
…..oh.
And to support that, the number one determining factor on how badly something affects a person is how they’re treated afterward, not how objectively bad the event was. They’re called resiliency factors.
It looks like this:
Horrible brutal traumatic event + Family and community support + legal amelioration + closure and therapy and help
ONE MILLION TIMES MORE LIKELY TO RECOVER THAN
Event that the sufferer may think “seems minor” compared to what others have been through + Family neglect and abuse (you deserved it, name calling, support the abuser) + no legal means + denial and stifling and no therapeutic support
I have been raped, I have been abused by someone who was supposed to be family to me, and I have recovered and gotten my life back together. I have psychiatrists, psychologists, best friends, lovers, and family who support me. I did not get legal justice, but I got the person(s) out of my life.
My friend was repeatedly verbally abused by his step-parent, and when he was abused and hurt by others he was blamed for it by that parent. He had no support and no one to talk to about it for over 10 years.
He still feels guilty for even being affected by it and I’ve had long talks with him about how it isn’t “nothing compared to” what I went through.
You are not wrong to be upset. You are not wrong to feel the effects of trauma. Your hurt cannot be measured against anyone else’s. Your resiliency is your own and your situation is valid to you. Perception is everything. The worst thing that ever happened to you might ostensibly be less bad than the worst thing that ever happened to me - but it still is what happened to YOU.
Trauma is so predictable that we can make tidy little equations out of it. The ones above are good, but the ones I’ve seen are a little simpler. Something like:
+ the inability or struggle to say “no”, because disobedience meant punishment and you are used to being directed all the time
+ being unable to emotionally relate with your family (especially parents, if they are the abuser). concurring thoughts of “i won’t care if THEY die”, or “they won’t care if I die”
+ always afraid/hesitant to confide in someone else about feelings or thoughts, because you are used to being neglected/dismissed when you talk about your feelings, constantly being replied with “get over it”. the consequence of this is that the emotions/feelings pile up inside over time and, when you reach the limit, you suddenly become self-destructive or imminently violent/emotional
+ however, when given the chance to CONFIDE about your feelings with freedom confidently, everything spills out, even if it’s with a stranger or with someone you have not been in contact for very long.
+ you always assume that the answer to every question/statement you say is “no”, even if you definitely know the person is very likely to say “yes”. you prepare for denial and disappointment and feel a huge wave of relief when they say “yes”.
+ being secretive about enjoyment/liking things, or being secretive in what you’ve done for the day, even if it’s not deemed “bad” or “illegal”.
+ simultaneously confused whether you have affection towards your parent(s) or you hate them whole-heartedly, despite knowing that they abuse you. the confusion stems from “well, they’re my parent, so i think they’re doing this because they love me”, though the thought is, of course, false
+ being scared that people will only take advantage of you, as your parents consequently thought of you as an object to benefit from, and not someone to love.
+ being easily attached to others, because you had no parental figure. this can lead you to being easily manipulated and you are very easily controlled. children under parental abuse are also more likely to have “chosen families”.
+ having an “escape plan” or “last resort” if you still live with your parents, just in case they do something worse to you, thinking up of elaborate plans to get out, how you’ll survive, where you’ll stay, etc.
+ being surprised learning that other parents are unlike your parents, and having to have someone/a source to tell you that what your parents are doing is abusive, and as a child you thought it was normal to be unhappy at home.
+ liking school or days out because that meant being away from your parents
+ developing emotional/personality disorders and distorted thinking
(i’m gonna add one sorry)
+ finding yourself waiting to be given direction instead of taking the initiative because you’re so used to being controlled and told what to do
