naamahdarling:

clarawebbwillcutoffyourhead:

hollowedskin:

indirispeaks:

I told this story to a few guildies a while back and decided to archive it in a longer format; so here is the story of The Great Flamingo Uprising of 2010 as told to me by my favorite cousin who was a keeper at the time.

In addition to the aviary/jungle exhibit, our zoo has several species of birds that pretty much have the run of the place.  They started with a small flock of flamingos and some free-range peacocks that I’m almost certain came from my old piano teacher’s farm.  She preferred them to chickens.  At some point in time they also acquired a pair of white swans (Or as I call them, “hellbirds”) and some ornamental asian duckies to decorate the pond next to the picnic area.  Pigeons, crows, assorted ducks and a large number of opportunistic Canada geese moved in on their own. 

Now; the ponds that dot the zoo property (I don’t remember how many there are but the one by the picnic area is the only one with swans) were also full of ginormous koi fish, some of whom by now are at least three feet long.  Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the koi, the zoo put up little vending machines all over the place that dispense handfuls of food pellets.  I swear to god the fish can hear the crank turning, and will show up at the nearest railing, blooping expectantly at whoever happens to be standing there and doing their best to appear starving and desperate. 

Like this.^  And they weren’t the only ones who learned to associate the sound with the imminent arrival of food.  The Canada geese knew a good deal when they saw one, and had long since ceased to migrate anyway.  They formed roving gangs of thug-geese and staked out their turf around the vending machines, ready to mug anyone with pocket change.  Picture yourself as a small child squaring off with a bird fully prepared to strip search you while standing on your feet and yelling “HWAAAAAKK!!” in your face.  It’s traumatizing to you and deeply hilarious to your parents.

Anyway.

The flamingos had their spot near the zoo entrance and never seemed to mind the presence of the other birds, as they kept themselves to themselves and didn’t really like the taste of fish pellets.  The problem lay in that their shrimp pond was close to a vending machine.  Ordinarily that wouldn’t have been an issue at all, but eventually the goose population grew large enough that one of the gangs decided to annex it.  Being territorial little shits, they would harass the poor flamingos any time they strayed within ten feet of it.  The flamingos tolerated this for years until one day they snapped collectively.  Here’s a summary of the incident in chronological order.

1.) It was a hot day, so everyone in question both human and avian, were cranky by the time the zoo even opened.
2.) A few flamingos (let’s call them The Jets) strayed into the radius of the vending machine and were immediately confronted by the indignant hissing geese (The Sharks)
3.) Possibly due to heat and the simple fact that the geese had been giant douchebags for far too long, the flamingos decided fuck it, this time they were going to FIGHT BACK DAMMIT, and swarmed the geese en mass.
4.) Chaos ensued.  The geese were outnumbered 4 to 1 but had the advantage of being able to scream for back-up. 
5.) Hearing the shrieking Canada geese and the bellowing of the enraged flamingos, the peacocks came to the conclusion that the apocalypse had come upon them and began to gather in the surrounding trees in droves and wail in despair.  Or cheer them on, whichever.
6.) NOISE
7.) Apparently one of the siege tactics employed by the geese is to shit explosively all over the sidewalks. Never in the grass. 
8.) The geese, having secured reinforcements from all over the zoo, went berserk and proceeded to attack EVERYBODY who had come to watch be they human or otherwise.
9.) The flamingos were chasing/being chased by the geese through the crowd accompanied by cheers/wails from the peacocks in the box seats.
10.) Complete pandemonium when the zoo tram became stalled on the tracks by the flamingo pond due to battling birds.  The Jets, sensing these were somehow reinforcements on the side of the Sharks, charged the tram.  Adults were doing the duck and cover.  So were the ducks.  Small children were screaming, adding to the noise.  People were slipping on goose shit and hitting the ground in the fetal position, only to be stampeded by the rampaging flamingos.
11.) The koi continued to bloop hopefully for food.
12.) Two of the geese were cornered by a rival gang of their own and were chased into the swan pond.  Cue slow-motion.
13.) The swans detected an enemy presence in their territory and by god, SOMEBODY was going to PAY. 
14.) The staff were having no luck in breaking up the fight and on the verge of giving up and just building another zoo elsewhere when the hellbirds stormed the battlefield, trumpeting battle-cries, to dispense feathered justice.  The staff promptly dropped their brooms and fled.
15.) The uprising was squashed in less than two minutes.  Number of casualties was unknown, feathers were flying everywhere and there was enough goose shit to build another bird.  One staff member had been knocked to the ground and was left with a melon sized bruise courtesy of one of the hellbirds.  Several children were traumatized, probably for life.  The zoo eventually removed the vending machine by the flamingos. 

The geese went back to being giant douchebags. Because geese.

birds <3

I fucking can’t wait to get geese I’m so excited

@elodieunderglass

marauders4evr:

marauders4evr:

I keep getting hate from abled people who wanted to watch Me Before You and didn’t like the fact that I spoiled the ending in my posts where I talk about how disgusting it is to have the main character kill himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. So, in an effort to stop the hate, I will minimize the amount of time that I talk about the ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. It’s not fair for all of these abled people to have to read the spoiler that the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. In fact, it’s downright mean for me to keep talking about the fact that the ending to the book involves the main character killing himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. After all, I respect the wishes of the abled community and if they want me to stop talking about an ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled, I will stop talking about the ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. Even though the ending, the one wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled, is horrendously disgusting and offensive to the disabled community, who are currently protesting the movie because of the ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. And as a disability advocate first and foremost I would argue that it’s my job to also protest the ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. In fact, I have received many messages from disabled people who didn’t know that the book/movie ended with the main character killing himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. And those people have expressed gratitude that I warned them of the ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. Because had those people seen the movie wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled, they would have been extremely upset, and not just because a character killing himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled is sad but because it truly is offensive and sickening to have an ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. Be that as it may, I do owe something to the abled community probably and because of this, I will henceforth put a spoiler alert in my posts so that they don’t have to read about the ending wherein the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled.

Spoiler Alert:

The main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled.

You folks have to stop reblogging this.

Otherwise some poor abled person is going to see the spoiler that (Spoiler Alert) the main character kills himself because he doesn’t think that his life is worth living now that he’s disabled. And we can’t have that.

cindehella:

artyowl01:

So back in the 1780′s when our country was still figuring crap out and ol’ George Washington was just elected president, G.W. decided to send a letter to Congress along the lines of ‘Looking forward to working with you all, this will be exciting!” Congress, not wanting to slight the president and also trying to express their own enthusiasm, sent back a letter along the lines of “Glad you’re excited, we are also looking forward to working with you!”

Then George sends another letter back saying something like “Cool cool bros, glad you’re just as excited as I am,” and Congress, again not wanting to be awkward or just ignore the PRESIDENT, sent back ANOTHER letter saying some dumb crap that was probably along the lines of “Glad you’re excited that we’re excited that you’re excited.”

Democracy at its finest.

And while this in itself is funny, that is not even the best part.

George Washington, while being powerful, was not extremely eloquent, and at this point was also aging, busy, and overall very stressed about his new position (which he did not want in the first place).  So he asked his old friend James Madison, who had a much better way with words, to write the first note to Congress.  Good old James Madison, wanting to oblige his friend, did just that and composed the note to Congress.  Now, J-Mads was himself a member of Congress, so when the note arrived, he was in session to hear “Washington’s” letter read.

Congress got nervous and worried about who could possibly compose a formal and acceptable letter back to Washington.  Who better than his old friend, James Madison?  So Jimmy, being obliging, wrote the response.  When Washington received the reply, he once again asked his friend to write the response.  

And who did Congress choose to write their final letter? That’s right….none other than Jimmy-James-Madison himself.

So James Madison, future 4th president of the United States, wrote himself 4 letters under the guise of George Washington and the first Congress of the U.S.  And he was too embarrassed to admit it.

catfish of the millenium

ellidfics:

emma-velocirapity:

dobabiesfloat:

softjoly:

tobbun:

ofools:

blacklaceandcombatboots:

parentheticalaside:

The only acceptable reason for this is if this character is actually a demon who seduces men and then eats them. [source]

who wrote this, expose him

my breasts are nicely separated. Completely divided, every year they move apart by half an inch.

My breasts are nicely separated though they still fight for custody of the children.

Imagine actual pleated hair

Would any artists be willing to draw this?

“To get back to my body,”

No woman alive ever thought about her breasts like that.  

asgardreid:

alrnalexia:

alrnalexia:

update: apparently canberra’s skywhale was harpooned and died 

Local resident Michelle Bedford says what she saw can only be described as ‘incredibly unlikely’ and ‘bizarrely beautiful’.

“The guy got on the roof of his van with a crazy look in his eyes I’ve never seen before, as if in his universe there was only him and the Skywhale. He hurled the broomhandle like a harpoon, got it right through the eye.

“We all clapped and cheered, not like we hate the Skywhale or anything but it was just unbelievably cool.”

It then took several hours for security staff and onlookers to disentangle Ahab from the corpse of the Skywhale which had slowly but majestically fallen directly on top of him, like a heavenly blanket with massive breasts.

The sculpture, a hot air balloon depicting a whale as it may have evolved if it lived in the air rather than the sea, has had a mixed reception since it was first launched in 2013. Critics of the Skywhale cited its outlandish appearance, large breast-like appendages and ‘dumb, smug whale face’.

…

Artist Patricia Piccinini, who designed the sculpture, has asked that charges not be pressed against Mr Ahab, claiming that she was “invigorated” to see the public engaging with the artwork on such a meaningful level and that she couldn’t ask for a “more fitting way for a big balloon that looks like a whale to complete its lifecycle in the public eye.”

When asked if the ‘killing’ of the Skywhale had any allegorical significance or if the quest to find and destroy it was in some way symbolic of a larger tale Mr Ahab told reports “Nah mate, just f-ing hate that bloody whale.”

To the last I grapple with thee! From Hell’s heart I stab at thee! For hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee!