Icon by @ThatSpookyAgent. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
to anyone out there who’s struggling with having no friends — wondering where you belong in this world, searching for a place to belong — you matter. you are so important. and you will find your people or maybe just a special person who feels like home. it may seem like your loneliness will last forever, but it won’t. it never does.
so i wore noise cancelling headphones today. specifically, on the bus ride back from school; i was too anxious to actually take them out during the school day, lmao. and one girl asked “why do you have those?” I explained a bit about sensory issues, and then just trailed off with “anyway… I need them”. and like. strictly speaking. that is not 100% true. I don’t need them like I need food or water. I won’t die without them. And unless I’m right near a meltdown, I can usually stay in a loud room as long as I’m *supposed* to.
But I do still need my headphones.
They let me function easier and more happily. I feel so, so much calmer and safer at home… which is when I let myself wear the headphones. I felt the same way when i went to the mall in the city and wore noise cancelling headphones there.
So, like. if you have a Thing you use that you don’t technically, 100% ABSOLUTELY NEED to function… keep it anyway. use it anyway.
Wear sunglasses in rooms with too-bright lights, use your cane or walker because it just makes things easier, use your wheelchair when you could probably walk, wear noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders even when you can stand to be in the room without it, use your hearing aids even if you can get by sorta OK without them, keep fidget/stim toys or comfort items around because they make you happier, etc etc etc.
You do not need to wait until you’re hurting as much as you can to use the thing that helps you.
You gotta understand that some people never really grow. They never learn their lesson. They never recognise their mistakes, they never acknowledge their faults, they never admit they were in the wrong. You will never receive an apology from them, and you will never see their behaviour change.
if you’re in the notes saying “this is wrong and cruel because everyone is capable of growth” you’re not understanding the post.
yes, everyone is CAPABLE of growth and change. everyone has the RIGHT to growth and change. but no, not everyone will CHOOSE growth and change. some people are not interested in and cannot be made interested in self-improvement or self-reflection. some people will go their entire lives refusing to admit they might be wrong or examine their own behaviors. some people will never, ever accept responsibility for the effects they have on people and the world around them. humans are varied; some are just always gonna be like this.
it is VITAL to understand this if you’re the kind of person who tends to pour energy into helping others, especially if there are already people knowingly hurting you who consistently show absolutely no interest in changing that behavior. you can’t forcibly make them want to change who they are. you aren’t going to find a way to convince them to suddenly care that their behavior is hurting someone.
the motivation to change and grow comes from within. others may inspire us, but WE have to decide we want to be better and work towards that. until they decide that for themselves, nobody else can do it for them. and they might never. people are mortal. we are a finite series of choices. it is entirely possible to make mostly selfish ones.
everyone CAN grow, but not everyone will. not everyone wants to, and nobody can force the desire to grow as a person on someone else.
a freshly cooked meal is best but fast food or a plain cracker is better than nothing. a full skincare routine is great but a splash of water and moisturiser is better than nothing. 8 hours sleep is ideal but 4 or 2 is better than nothing. cleaning the entire room is fantastic but just wiping the mirror or throwing clothes in a basket is better than nothing. a shower is great but a face and arm wash or a wipe is better than nothing. changing your bedding once a week is best but swapping just the pillows or washing only once a month is better than nothing. a 5k run is fabulous but a walk around the block or touching your toes in bed is better than nothing. being your “best self” and thriving is amazing but if you are trying and conserving the energy you have and taking baby steps every day and surviving then that is wonderful too.
I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.
Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.
The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.
I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.
[Image description: A deaf person speaking in sign language, with the words “THEY/THEM” and closed captions printed on the screen, as well as a second smaller video of the same person speaking with their voice the same words that they’re saying in sign language.
/ End ID]
Transcript:
As a Deaf person, what’s the one thing I wish hearing people understood?
Recently I was having a coversation with my therapist, who is a hearing person.
I was expressing my frustration about how many artistic spaces are not accessible to me, and her first instinct was to ask if I wore hearing aids, and I said “Nope, ears bald,” and then she asked if I’ve ever considered a cochlear implant which, if you’re unfamiliar, is a pretty serious surgery, and I had to stop her.
Because, when hearing people and able-bodied people are faced with the reality of the inaccessible world that they have helped to create, their first instinct is always to try and fix the Deaf or disabled person.
I am not broken. My ears are not broken. My body is not broken just because it doesn’t function the same way yours does. We are only disabled because you have told us we are disabled. We are only disabled because you built a world for YOU, not for us. Why should I have to change myself when we can simply change the world?
