Icon from a picrew by grgikau. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
I just want to remind everyone of this extremely powerful scene from In Purgatory’s Shadow/By Inferno’s Light from season 5 of ds9.
“I’m sorry, but that’s absolutely unacceptable. I’m under enough strain as it is, I can’t have you quitting on me. Get a hold of yourself, Garak. After all, you haven’t had one of these attacks in years. Yes, this is a tight enclosed space. Yes, there’s not a lot of room to move. But a disciplined mind does not allow itself to be sidetracked by niggling psychological disorders like claustrophobia. Besides, this isn’t like Tzenketh. The walls won’t collapse in on you. Your friends are near by, there’s plenty of air, so there’s nothing to be concerned about. Focus on the job. You’re the only person who can contact the runabout. People are depending on you. Ziyal is depending on you. You promised her you’d come back, and that young lady has had quite enough disappointments in her life without you adding to them, so control yourself. You’re stronger than this. A disciplined mind-”
This is one of the most accurate depictions of a panic attack I’ve ever seen in a tv show. Andy Robinson went above and beyond here. He depicted it perfectly. That choking panic that rises in your throat and steals your breath, while your mind screams at you. The fear in his voice as he talks to try and ground himself.
The sheer strength and fear and dread of Garak, as he prepares to go back in, knowing what awaits him. That choking cloying panic, your mind and body betraying you…
I read somewhere that Andy Robinson is himself claustrophobic. I wonder how much of himself he poured out into these scenes.
It’s powerful because it’s real. People go through this every day of their lives. And seeing a scene like this, it reminds us we are not alone, that there are others who suffer like this too.
This is all beautiful and accurate and true but if I may add some further commentary here my favorite thing about this scene is what Garak is like when he is not lying. This is one of the only scenes I know of in the show where we see Garak speaking or expressing himself ALONE. He has no one to lie to. And he’s frightened. And concerned. And he calls them his friends. It’s their presence he finds comfort in!
He calls them his friends when there is no one there to convince.
(A.N. One of my most dearly held fanfiction beliefs is that every once in a while, you need a pointless/plotless hc fic. Why is this character injured? Because I said so. Anyway.)
“I honestly thought you’d like this one!” Julian exclaims dramatically as they sit at an outside table for lunch in the middle of the Cardassian cold season. “I picked it particularly because I thought you might enjoy seeing a human take on something akin to a repetitive epic.”
The restaurant they’re sitting in has an open patio on the streets of one of Lakaran City’s recently up-zoned districts to encourage more economic development and growth and Julian had been itching to try it. A Vulcan-Cardassian fusion restaurant. What a brave new world they have forged.
“I suppose,” Elim begins, looking at his meal skeptically, “A Hundred Years of Solitude does have something in common with the repetitive epic–”
“Exactly! I thought you’d appreciate the approach of focusing on several generations and their intertwining destinies.”
“Perhaps, however, you must see my general opposition to the story as a whole.”
“Oh, must I? I thought you’d really appreciate one of the themes that Marquez highlights, namely the way that past, present, and future are inseparable and built upon each other. What is that old Cardassian saying- ‘the artillery of our past loads the armaments of our sons?’”
“Precisely, Doctor. And I found the Buendía family a very poor role model or example. This family, living in their city cut off from the state, and their willful disobedience, bring their own undoing unto themselves. Their rebellion leads to a violent massacre and the final destruction of the family. There may be individuals here on Cardassia who view such an end as justified and utterly brought upon themselves.”
“Don’t you think that your view is a bit simplistic? A good novel is more than an effective lead and art operate as more than an exemplar of how one should live their life.”
“A Federation viewpoint if I’ve ever heard one,” Elim shoots back. “Art, allegedly, for its own sake.”
“Ah,” Julian says, smiling airily as their food arrives at the table and speaking grandly, “is there no truth in beauty?”
Elim gave him an amused look “We will come back to that. Now, however, can you please help me with a more pressing matter?”
“Of course,” Julian responds.
“What is this?” Elim replies, his lips slightly pursed in disgust.
“Oh- it is some type of fusion between Plomeek soup and Zabu stew. I thought you would like it.”
“This is the last time I allow you to order for me in my absence, Julian.”
Julian huffs in exasperated amusement. “Oh please spare me, Elim. I knew that if I left it to your tender mercies you would spend half the time eviscerating the menu and I had really meant for that time to be spent eviscerating the book I chose.”
“I will never understand the human desire to flirt shamelessly over a meal in public.”
Julian gives him a fond look, “liar.”
“One of the best,” Elim responds with a surprisingly sweet smile.
Julian opens his mouth to retort when he hears something. A faint sound of an object piercing through the air. Human hearing is unusually sensitive by Cardassian standards and Julian’s even more so. It takes him less than a quarter of a nano-second to realize what it was.
Another to realize its trajectory is headed directly for Elim.
Not spending another moment to think about it, Julian leaps across the table to push Elim down.
He hears him say, “Julian, what are you–”
Then he feels a sharp prick into his lower left hip.
Then he feels his throat start to swell, the pain is fierce in its suddenness. In an instant, Julian feels as if he’s caught fire. It feels like it lasts an eternity but, just as quickly, Julian feels himself pass out.
Julian is attracted to hopeless causes because he believes his parents wrote him off as a hopeless cause at age six. Therefore, he doesn’t want to give up on anyone or anything.
AU where after returning to the Alpha Quadrant Harry meets up with Ezri who has also switched to the command track in Starfleet, both of them train under Captain Geordi La Forge and become quick friends while sharing stories of the wild situations they’ve been in.
