The Massive Continuity of Ducks

nothingwronghere:

“Doctor Bashir, I …” Garak stops just inside the room as soon as he sees the doctor curled together on the couch. He has his eyes closed and a teddy bear pressed against his chest. He has answered Garak’s knock, but now he doesn’t react to his presence.
“Doctor?” Worried about this unusual behaviour, Garak approaches. It is a show of vulnerability that is unsettling.
“Garak, what can I do for you?” The doctor opens his eyes and at the same time pulls the teddy bear closer.
Garak has forgotten what he has wanted, his worry overriding all other thoughts. “My dear, what happened?”
With a sigh, the doctor closes his eyes. “I lost a patient.”
Garak hasn’t heard about any deaths but that doesn’t mean anything. It could’ve been a natural death that wasn’t noteworthy. For him. It is, of course, important for the doctor.
Seeing the doctor this miserable makes Garak insecure. Doctor Bashir is rarely earnest. It isn’t uncommon for Garak to be irritated because the doctor goes through life as if it is a game to him. But not today.
Unsure how to react, Garak sits down on the couch, at the doctor’s legs. The doctor scoots a bit back to make room for Garak.
“I am sorry to hear that.” Not that Garak is sorry that some unknown person died, he couldn’t care less, but he is sorry that the doctor is sad about it. He doesn’t know how to deal with a sad doctor. He waits and when he gets no reaction, he puts one hand on the doctor’s hip, drawing small circles with his thumb. It is too intimate, but he is at a loss about what to do instead. He could leave but that would be about the shittiest thing he could do.
The doctor doesn’t seem to mind the intimacy of the touch, instead he slowly relaxes. Until he sighs again and opens his eyes. A wry smile curls his lips. “Sometimes it upsets me more when someone dies. Our technology is so advanced, we can cure diseases we couldn’t hundred years ago but of course there are things we are helpless against. It is normal, people have to die, we can’t hope to live forever. Yet it is difficult to accept at times. Can you tell me about your day, please?”
Garak has always kept some distance between him and the doctor. Yes, he has flirted but mostly because he has been sure that the doctor wouldn’t recognize it as flirting anyway. It has worked, until today. This show of trust, this show of vulnerability from the doctor, it crumbles all walls Garak has built to keep him away.
It burns through his body and consumes his heart in an instant. The doctor’s smile is etched into his memory until he is sure he will never forget the way he cuddles a teddy bear to his chest. He lets Garak see his pain and he doesn’t shy away from it. And Garak is helpless, he is simply not able to keep the doctor at a distance when he is sad and in need of comfort. Comfort he clearly wants from Garak, of all people. “Of course, my dear.” He smiles, though the doctor can’t see it because he has already closed his eyes again. “It has been an exceptionally exciting day.” It hasn’t. None of his days are exciting anymore but sometimes Garak has to admit that he is glad about it. “When the first costumer entered my shop, when I had just opened a minute ago, I knew they would bring nothing but trouble.” Garak weaves a story, a story about spies and machinations, one he knows the doctor will enjoy, but one with a happy ending.
Some of the aspects are happenings from Garak’s past, but definitely not the happy ending. Nothing of what Garak has experienced during his life has ever had a truly happy ending. But he is aware that the doctor wouldn’t like to hear about death and defeat in his current mood. And so he doesn’t tell the truth. Not even barely. While he talks, he leaves his hand resting on the doctor’s hip.
While he talks, the doctor shifts closer until he is curled around Garak, warm against his sides and back.
While he talks, all tension leaves the doctor’s shoulders and the sadness vanishes from his features.
While he talks, the light dims a little, telling him that it is evening for the doctor and creating a comfortable atmosphere.
When he has finished the story, the doctor smiles. He turns his upper body and looks at Garak. “You know, you are astonishingly good in telling stories. You could make a book out of this one, a book even humans would like.” His smile widens. “Thank you.”
Garak has made his story likeable for humans, because the doctor doesn’t particularly care for the cardassian style. He knows his taste after so many shared lunches with discussions over literature.
“This was not merely a story. You asked me to tell you about my day and I did.”
The doctor chuckles softly. “Garak, if you experienced all this today, then something is seriously wrong. With you, with Deep Space 9 and with everyone else here.”
They sit/lie there and stare at each other until Garak becomes uncomfortable. This is too intimate for his liking. He needs to get the walls back up that keeps the doctor at a safe distance. He stands up and tugs at his shirt, to keep his hands busy, not because he has to.
The doctor sits up and puts the teddy bear next to him on the couch. “I guess you wanted to fetch me. For dinner. If you don’t mind that it is a little late, we can still go.”
Garak minds. He’d rather get to his quarters and push the doctor out of his thoughts. But since he can’t possibly tell him that and since there is still a trace of his vulnerability left, Garak agrees.
That is a mistake. He knows it when they sit down and the doctor’s smile is warmer than usual and when he immediately responds with a genuine smile of his own. Garak has left the stage of flirting behind him, the only thing he wants to do now is have the doctor curled around him like earlier. He frowns at his own emotionality but when the doctor begins to talk, all cheerfulness and smiles, he is captured by it immediately. He supposes there is no use in trying to push his feelings away now anymore. It has been effective before, when the doctor hasn’t been in every fibre of Garak’s being but it will be impossible to push him out now that he has broken down all of Garak’s defences.
The doctor has snuck his way into Garak’s heart, unintentionally, and once there Garak has no chance of getting rid of him again. It is fine, he thinks when he watches the doctor and finds himself happy about being here, with him. It has been a long time since he liked someone as much as he likes the doctor. He’ll simply roll with it and enjoy the sensation. Because it does feel nice, even though he doesn’t think there will come anything from it. It is nice nonetheless.
Garak places a hand over the doctor’s. “My dear, you should slow down with all your talking and take the time to eat.” He can’t even bring himself to add ‘doctor’ after the ‘my dear’. He supposes there goes all the distance. Swept away by one sad and vulnerable doctor Bashir, cuddling with a teddy bear and in dire need of comfort. And Garak, helpless not be the one who offers comfort.