Fun fact: Impostor Syndrome is ridiculously common among high-achievers, particularly women. If you identify with this post, odds are pretty good that you’re exactly as smart as people think you are, and the failure you’re afraid of isn’t inevitable at all.

This is important.

This week has been a weird one. I have fought and basically defeated imposter syndrome in my work and in my fannish life. I know I am not ~the greatest economist/writer~ to ever walk the earth, but I’m perfectly good at both my job and my hobby. This is because I worked hard at both, invested a lot of time and effort and money into achieving the things that I have achieved. Imposter syndrome tells you that all of that is for nothing. You’re worthless trash garbage and one day everyone will realise that you are worthless trash garbage and you won’t have any friends and you’ll have to live in a ditch (but ultimately someone else will be better at ditch living than you, so you might as well be dead). 

This week I have ended up at the centre of this farcical circle where I’m talking to several ladies and everyone thinks everyone else is the best, but they themselves are worthless. And I have spent a lot of emotional labour saying ‘no, you’re great, you are great, I love you’ 

My good friend and business partner does it, a woman who literally taught me everything I know in our field does it. The woman I idolise most as a writer does it (and if you think I’m not talking about you here, I am). People who are more successful and ingenious and intelligent than I am do it, and it is INSANE, because being good at something isn’t a zero sum game. There are no winners and losers. If you’re not perfect that doesn’t mean you’re trash. It’s not a two sided coin. Please stop doing it to yourself. 

I used to believe that if I tore myself down it would stop people from doing it. When I got my first job after my masters I almost threw up in my probation meeting because I was so convinced I was about to get fired. I got rave reviews, and my boss could not understand why I was so nervous. Even if I had things to work on, they weren’t going to fire me outright?

I believed that dragging myself down, that believing I was disgusting gutter trash who had everyone fooled, was a defence mechanism that worked against what I believed everyone else believed. Basically imposter syndrome was the opposite of ‘The Secret’. If I believed bad things hard enough, and said them enough, no one would say their inner disgust to me. This was depression talking, but also life long imposter syndrome. My mother still is convinced that she is a failure as a person because she failed an exam when she was 11. The woman has a degree, a family and a career, she speaks 3 languages, she’s liked by basically everyone who meets her. But no, she failed her 11+, she’s been garbage for nearly 50 years. 

It happens in men too, but I think generally it’s endemic among successful women that we think this way. We need to stop. If you feel like this, write down your achievements. When you next feel like this, try and take a step back. Often, what comes after is anger, anger that you hurt yourself so.