Oboe I bought shot-glasses and cigarette paper this weekend.... NO IT'S FOR MY OBOE I SWEAR

Flute Yeah, she said she was going to do the Chaminade too. Looks like we'll have two people playing the concertino for the solo show this year, or there's always murder, you know

clarinet It's my reed. Hold on I'll get another one out... also if another person asks me to play the mozart clarinet concerto i'll slap a bitch

Bassoon could you scoot over a bit? I need more space to lean my bassoon... My posture is just fine, THANKS

Saxophone shit. i still have my neck-strap on don't I?

Drums Is the snare on? GOD, who turned the snare off again?! AND! Where the frickity frack are my sticks?

timpani i gotta tune the timpani. hold on

trumpet i hate partial jumping practice so much

trombone Do you want to hear my gliss?

tuba i literally play four notes the entire piece..,.

horn look i don't know why we stick the hand in the bell. don't ask. it's just how it is

cello yeah my cello cost 13,000 and my bow is custom made, so it's like 6,000 and my new case which is shock absorbent, fireproof and waterproof cost like 7,500

viola I know we're trying to play louder it's the loudest i can get i know i know i'm so sick of pizzicato accompaniment give me a break please

violin um I can't see the concertmaster's bowings from back here... yeah i know i can watch the person in front of me im not stupid it's just...

double bass how the fuck am I supposed to carry this thing through the door? Hey, can you hold it open for me