We’ve all heard that a healthy relationship has healthy boundaries. But what exactly are boundaries, and what do they look like in real life?
Boundaries are the lines you draw around yourself to keep you safe and autonomous.
Good boundaries are really strong and flexible. When they change, it’s because you chose to move them; you still know where they are and you’re still comfortable with them. If someone else pushes on them, they don’t break.
Bad boundaries are fuzzy and brittle - it’s often hard to know exactly where your boundaries are, and if someone pushes on them, they may shatter completely.
Here are some boundaries that are common to all healthy relationships:
- Each person has a say in what kind of relationship this is. No one feels obligated to be more emotionally connected, sexually involved, or socially connected than they actually want to be.
- Each person gets to choose what they eat, what they wear, and who they want be friends with.
- Each person has private spaces, physical or otherwise (online counts), where the other person doesn’t intrude without permission.
- There are some hobbies that only one person does, and that’s okay - you don’t need to do everything together.
- It’s okay to disagree on some things; each person has different tastes and opinions and it’s okay to be different to each other.
- Some things are private, even from each other, and that’s okay.
- Each person has the right to not engage in any sexual activity at any time.
In order to keep social systems running smoothly, some common boundaries are assumed to exist in certain contexts, and crossing them without obtaining consent is considered rude or worse.
Some of these “default boundaries” include:
- Not kissing strangers or touching them in a sexual way, or making sexual comments to/about them.
- Not asking personal questions until you know someone well - things like weight, sexual history, etc., unless you’re in a context where it’s relevant.
- Not showing your genitals to people you are not in a sexual relationship with, except a medical professional when relevant.
- Not demanding hugs from strangers, unless you both are part of a group where hugs are considered a normal greeting of a stranger.
- Friendships are assumed to include no sex and no romance.
- Not touching children you don’t know, if you are not their caretaker.
- Not getting into bed with a sleeping person you don’t usually sleep with.
- Not entering the bathroom when some else is using it.
But boundaries are more than these default templates - they’re personal things. So your specific boundaries might be different to someone else’s.
Some examples of more specific boundaries might be things like:
- I don’t know you very well, so I want to wait until we know each other better before I decide if I want to date you.
- It’s okay if my dating partner comes into the bathroom when I’m brushing my teeth, but not when I’m showering or using the toilet. I leave the door open when it’s okay to come in.
- If I’m working at my computer or otherwise engrossed in something, I ask that people use words to get my attention before touching me.
- I don’t like kissing, so I don’t kiss anyone ever and they aren’t allowed to kiss me.
- I don’t want anyone in my new life to try to contact my estranged family of origin.
- My phone is private; no one is allowed to read my texts, etc., but me.
- For date night, I don’t want to go to a restaurant that doesn’t serve food I can eat as a vegetarian.
Establishing boundaries means figuring out what your boundaries are and then making them clear to the people in your life, as relevant.
You don’t need to tell everyone you know all of your boundaries, because some people will never come close to crossing certain boundaries. But it’s important that people know what your boundaries are when they’re in the relevant territory.
So when it looks like sexytimes might happen, it’s important to talk to your partner ahead of time about what sexual boundaries you each have. When you’re headed toward a serious relationship, that’s the time to talk about the boundaries you have in that kind of relationship. When you get your own place, it’s time to establish boundaries with your parents about what it will mean for your relationship.
A boundary violation is when someone crosses one of your boundaries. Some examples might be:
- Someone sending you nudes or sexually explicit messages when you’re not interested.
- Someone going through something of yours that you chose to keep private.
- Someone trying to tell you what you’re allowed to wear, eat, or who to be friends with.
Some boundary violations are accidental, and when that happens, the appropriate response is to reinforce the boundary by making sure the other person knows it’s there. The people in your life should be aware of what your boundaries are.
When someone violates your boundaries, you also need to defend the boundary. That means you have to figure out how to protect yourself from having that boundary crossed again. Sometimes that means a simple conversation to let them know that boundary exists, sometimes it means taking time away from someone, changing the way you interact with them, or removing them from your life entirely. Only you can decide how best to defend that boundary in the context of your life.
Unhealthy boundaries happen when someone is made to feel like they aren’t allowed to have boundaries, and that’s where enmeshment and abuse creep in.
Some examples of bad boundaries include things like:
- We always end up talking whenever I want to, even if you’re busy or asleep or don’t want to.
- I make it difficult for you if you try to spend time with friends without me there.
- I look through your phone, purse, Internet history, or other belongings when I feel like it, without your permission.
- You are not allowed to have any secrets, even ones that don’t relate to me.
- I touch you however and whenever I want unless you convince me not to.
- I think you should go on a diet, so even though you don’t agree, you change the way you eat to keep me from judging you.
- You give up wearing certain clothes you like because I’m disrespectful to you when you wear them.
When you haven’t been allowed to have boundaries for a long time because of a dysfunctional relationship, it can be hard to know what your boundaries are.
Abusive people who want to take advantage of unformed boundaries will push on the “social default” boundaries to see if you know how to defend a boundary. If you don’t, they push on bigger and bigger boundaries and try to form a relationship where they’re in control. Be aware of that - if it feels like you have less and less control of what’s happening, that relationship is not healthy.
Respecting boundaries is one of the most important parts of keeping a relationship safe, healthy, and consensual.
If you think someone you know has a hard time setting boundaries, give them extra room to set them and be extra careful not to exert any pressure. Don’t expect people in general to always tell you their boundaries - ask outright. “How do you feel about doing this thing?” is how you get real consent. Saying “We’re going to do this thing” and then doing it just because they don’t object may be crossing a boundary.
It’s important to pay attention to whether other people are setting
boundaries (or may want to set them but are afraid to), and to talk about and defend your own boundaries as well, so everyone in the
relationship feels safe and happy.
