Icon by @ThatSpookyAgent. Call me Tir or Julian. 37. He/They. Queer. Twitter: @tirlaeyn. ao3: tirlaeyn. BlueSky: tirlaeyn. 18+ Only. Star Trek. The X-Files. Sandman. IwtV. OMFD. Definitionless in this Strict Atmosphere.
Something that a lot of people don’t realize is that abusers are capable of being nice. Yes, abusers can do acts of kindness. These acts of kindness do not mean that they aren’t abusive. They’re still abusers.
If your parents constantly tell you that you’re worthless, but provide you with everything you want, they’re still abusive.
If your boyfriend screams at you whenever you do something he doesn’t like, but cuddles you and calls you beautiful, he’s still abusive.
If your friend threatens to never talk to you again when you try to talk to other people, but is always there for you when you need them, they’re still abusive.
Acts of kindness do not make up for their abuse. This is a method that abusers use to keep you attached to them and make you less likely to leave them. You are not a bad person for leaving someone if they cause constant harm to you. Their kindness does not outweigh the harm and pain they caused you. Their kindness does not justify their abuse. Abusers can do good things for their victims and still be abusers.
Abuse is *never* justifiable.
The idea that abusers are cartoon bad guys who are constantly terrible needs to die. Nobody would form an attachment to an abuser or find it difficult to leave one if they behaved badly all the time.
‘You don’t know if Heard’s allegations are true! You don’t know all the facts!’
Okay. Here are some facts I do know.
Fact #1: Johnny Depp does not need help.
Woody Allen raped a child and his career is still going strong at age 80.
Michael Fassbender put his girlfriend in the hospital and his reputation is untarnished.
Bill Murray abused and threatened his wife for years and he’s beloved by millions.
Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, Jack Nicholson, Nicholas Cage, Charlie Sheen, and Sean Bean have all battered women and their careers have suffered not one bit.
What I’m trying to say is that Johnny Depp’s career and reputation are not in real jeopardy. Amber Heard’s are. She produced bruises, photographs, witnesses, and a restraining order, and the tabloids are still shrieking about poor Johnny Depp and his scheming bisexual gold-digger ex-wife.
Giving Johnny Depp sympathy, support, or the benefit of the doubt hurts her far more than it helps him.
Fact #2: Domestic abuse is common.
Fully one in three American women will be a victim of male violence at some point in her life. (This is according to the American Medical Association, by the way, not a ‘biased’ feminist organization.) The only reason male-on-female abuse is able to happen on such a large scale is because male abusers have endless support from friends, family, coworkers, and even therapists who think the world of them and can’t believe they would ever do anything wrong. This is because men who abuse women are, for the most part, psychologically normal (not emotionally disturbed, violent, or pathologically misogynistic as is commonly believed) and don’t behave noticeably differently from non-abusive men in public.
It’s just plain arrogant to assume you would be able to recognize a real abuser when the evidence repeatedly indicates that you can’t. When I was a kid, everyone used to gush over how thoughtful and amazing my dad was and how lucky I was to have him. The only people who didn’t were his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends and they kept silent because they knew no one would believe them if they spoke up.
Fact #3: Domestic abuse is widely under-reported.
This is because abused women face negative consequences for speaking out. Women who report abuse are automatically branded as hysterical, scheming, vindictive, or crazy. They may face social ostracism, lack of support from family, friends, and police, and even significant legal backlash.
Did you know that women who report physical or sexual abuse against themselves or their children are less likely to get child custody in family court because they are perceived as ‘vindictive’?
Did you know that courts give much shorter sentences to men who assault their girlfriends than to men who get into fights with other men, even though domestic violence causes far more deaths and injuries?
By giving the benefit of the doubt to Depp rather than Heard, you’re doing more than supporting a very powerful man at the expense of far less powerful woman. You are sending a message to all victims who are thinking about asking for help: ‘Don’t bother, because we will disbelieve and demonize you by default.’ Which, by the way, is exactly what they already hear, all the time.
If, as you claim, there’s no way to know who really deserves the benefit of the doubt, it’s better and safer to give it to the person who actually needs it.
If, as you claim, there’s no way to know who really deserves the benefit of the doubt, it’s better and safer to give it to the person who actually needs it.
