happinessisnotalwaysfun:

pervocracy:

pervocracy:

I wonder if one of the causes of animosity towards “entitled millennials” is that many millennials are poor people who look rich.  There’s this growing class of people who wear nice clothes, have fancy new electronic gadgets, go out to eat nice food… and will never own a home or have a retirement fund or put a child through college.

It’s so easy to say “if you cut down on the avocado toast maybe you could save up”, and so hard to accept that a house these days is fifty thousand avocado toasts, and that’s why so many of us have just given up.  We don’t treat ourselves because we think the world will take care of us when we get older; we treat ourselves because we know it won’t.  Might as well feel and look good on the way down.

Since this got a bunch of notes, I want to clarify that you should save money.  For a rainy-day fund if nothing else.  Don’t interpret my millennial angst as encouragement to spend all your money on avocados.

However, I’m still very cynical about all the advice about “buy generic and secondhand, cook at home, and you’re on your way up the Personal Finance Ladder,” because no, you’re not.  These are good habits, they help people make the most of what they have, but stop pretending they’re going to make the difference about whether someone can buy a house or not.  It’s like telling someone carrying a 50-pound pack to try easing their load by brushing the dust off it.  You’re not mathematically wrong, but come on.

Animosity towards poor people who look rich is definitely a thing towards the genuinely poor (“why are they spending money on iPhone and televisions and cigarettes”). Iirc they have done research, and it’s basically for the same reasons as you suggest about millennials. Life is grim, and you’ll never be able to save enough to make a big difference, so you’re not motivated to; “ive got the money so ill spend it now on something nice which makes me feel good” is how the human brain reacts to scarcity.

entitledrichpeople:

Capitalism produces scarcity artificially where there is none.

There are enough houses.

There is enough food (in fact there’s currently massive amounts of “overproduced” grain being left to rot)

There is enough water.

Even without changing the horribly designed production systems, there is no real shortage.  People don’t starve, have no fresh water, have no houses to live in, etc. because there are not enough of these things.  People don’t have access because capitalism denies them it.

There’s enough to share for everyone.  It’s not a zero sum game for poor and oppressed peoples. 

thedemonsurfer:

jenroses:

auntbutch:

redeyestakewxrning:

auntbutch:

if someone does the “fine, you’re right, i’m clearly a terrible person, i’m satan, i’m the worst person alive, i should just die” thing in response to criticism of their harmful behavior, they are trying to manipulate ppl and flip the situation around so that they look like a victim

stop tolerating this in 2k17 tbh. like really and truly, if you or your friend thinks this is okay pls call the hotline on the bottom of the screen and learn how to take responsibility for your bad behavior 

The bad thing is I do this on a regular basis. Not because I want to manipulate people, but because that’s actually how I feel. I’m bad at receiving concrit. I can’t say that everyone who reacts this way feels the same as I do, but…not every case is like that.

have you considered that, regardless of your intentions, reacting in such an exaggerated way would make it very difficult for anyone to criticize you or tell you that you’re harming people with your behavior? i’m not interested in searching out people’s motives, i don’t really care why someone does or says manipulative things. being unable or unwilling to simply apologize and not make it about themselves is a solid indicator that a person is not interested in being held accountable for their bad behavior, and people, especially the injured parties in question, shouldn’t have to tolerate it.

take responsibility for your bad behavior 2k17 tbh

Okay, life lesson time. 

When I was in my late teens and early 20s, I kept getting involved with people who would say, “Oh, I’m a bad person” any time I brought up ANYTHING that was the least bit of a disagreement. 

Like, “Please don’t leave my X on the floor” would get, “Oh, I’m a horrible person!”

HERE’S WHY THIS IS A HUGELY PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR, and if you think I”m calling you out and you think you’re about to shut down, take a breath, remember that this is about learning, and keep reading.

What is important is what happened after. My boyfriend might say, “Oh, I’m just an awful boyfriend” and instead of him acknowledging the BEHAVIOR and working on fixing it, he’d get me trying to buck him up for the next half hour, telling him he was a good person. The behavior that started it all would not change.

Well, things led to things and I went back home to live for a while, and found that the same exact thing was happening… with my mother.

And then I learned about pattern arguments. Pattern arguments are the ones where you keep having the same nonproductive argument over and over again. They don’t all follow this pattern, but this is a really common one.

The trick?

BREAK THE PATTERN

First you have to know what the pattern is. In this case:
1. Grievance
2. Self deprecation
3. Ego stroking

So, with my mother, we started in on one of these, and she said, “I guess I’m just a terrible mother.”

And instead of reassuring her, instead of derailing the issue and letting it go… I said, “When you say that, it makes me wonder how terrible a daughter I could be that you would think you were a bad mother. We have this conversation this way over and over, and the problem that I have always gets pushed aside in favor of trying to make you feel better. When you’re willing to have a real conversation about this, I’m happy to talk to you, but I’m bored with this argument, so I’ll see you later if you want to really talk.” And I left the room.

Now, my mom is a reasonably self-aware person, and does a lot of hard emotional work, and so she got it, very quickly. 10 minutes later she came out and found me, and we had a real conversation about whatever the hell the issue really was, and we have literally NEVER had that particular pattern argument again in 23 years. 

Boyfriend came to visit. I was upset about something, he started in on the “I’m just a shitty boyfriend” thing… and my response?

“Yep. You are.”

His jaw dropped. He blinked.

And I said, “Look, that’s what you do. You say shit like that and it means you don’t have to change your behavior, and I’m tired of the pattern we have where I tell you something isn’t working for me, you tell me you’re terrible, and I spend half an hour making you feel better. I’m tired of it and I”m not doing it anymore. If you’re willing to have an actual conversation about this, and not just the same old argument, I’m game. But this thing we do where you talk yourself down and I butter you up? Is boring. And I’m over it.”

We also did not have that argument again. (The relationship finally ended for real a while after, but it ended in a grown-up way, and not with a ridiculous meaningless fight.)

When you knock yourself down, the gut instinct for the people around you is to pick you up. But that means you’re not pulling your weight in the relationship. You’re making them do the work and you’re not actually hearing them.

So that brings us to another point:

How to deal with criticism

Okay, so if you’re not going to knock yourself down when someone says something negative about you, what DO you do? We don’t actually train people to take criticism well. But it is an art and a skill and NECESSARY to finding emotional stability in the face of a critical world.

I see it as a flow chart, but since the flow chart I made for it ended up in a book that I don’t own the copyright to (not a big deal) I’ll write out the decision tree here instead:

1. Someone offers criticism (constructive or not!)

2. Listen and think about it without immediately trying to defend yourself. You can say, “Okay, I need a moment to take that in and think about it because I want to understand it.” Or something else appropriate to the situation. It is okay to ask for time to think in most circumstances. Most people will appreciate that you are thinking about their words instead of immediately getting defensive or counterattacking. Think about whether what they are saying is valid, might be valid or is not valid. 

3A. If it is valid, then you have a choice. You can try to fix the behavior or you can acknowledge that it is a valid criticism but decide you aren’t likely to fix it. Start by acknowledging the validity of the criticism, and then say what you’re going to do to fix it, or say that it’s valid but it isn’t something you’re willing (or possibly able) to change, or say that it’s a valid criticism and you’ll need to think about possible solutions. They may have a suggestion. Taking it or not is also a choice. 

3B. If you’re not sure it’s valid, but it might be, tell them, “I really need to give this some more thought.” or “Can you tell me more about this? I’m not sure I understand the issue well.”  Or “If you can point me at some reading material or search terms, I’d like to study this before I decide what I’m going to do.” 

3C. If you know it is not a valid criticism, STOP a moment, and look at WHY they are making it. This is where Active Listening can be very helpful. “I hear you saying that X is a problem. I don’t see it that way right now but I’d like to understand better why you do.” Or if you think they don’t have enough information, “I hear you saying X, but my understanding of the issue is Y. Here’s what I know about it if you’re ready to listen.” If they’re just looking for a fight, tell them you’re not interested in fighting, and disentangle yourself. 

4. If the criticism is something you are going to listen to and take action on, tell them what kind of action you’re going to take. If it’s something you’re hearing and thinking about, tell them that. If it’s not something you’re going to do anything about or it’s just wrong, thank them for their input and move on.

Literally never is it going to be helpful to say, “Oh, I’m just a terrible person.” That’s very much like a nonapology-apology in terms of how unhelpful it is to any conversation. It’s kind of worse because it actually expects emotional labor from someone who is already having to bring up something unpleasant with you.

Think about what they say
Decide whether you’re going to do something about it
Do the thing, or tell them you’re not going to do the thing. 
Don’t demand emotional labor from other people when you were the one who messed up. 

Apologize if appropriate. 

This is all predicated on the notion that you’re talking to someone who actually wants to communicate and isn’t just an asshole on the attack. 

Because seriously, the whole “I’m a terrible person” thing? 

Boring as fuck. Knock that shit off. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t. But take responsibility and have a little self-respect and don’t make others pick your emotional dirty towels off the metaphorical bathroom floor. 

Even if you actually feel like a horrible person, stop for a moment before saying anything and think:

• What am I expecting to happen when I say this?
  

Are you getting overwhelmed? Tell them “I’m sorry, I know you’re upset but I can’t handle this rationally right now” and take a break. When you feel you can deal with the issue then bring it back up. If someone is bringing up a criticism of your behavior, odds are they really just want a productive conversation about it.

Are you having a depressed episode and are about to start into a cyclic argument? Take responsibility for that and remove yourself. The fastest way to exhaust empathy is to lock someone into an argument where any attempt of theirs to help is going to be met with more self-criticism. You’re in a place where you cannot accept comfort, therefore it’s unproductive to demand that comfort from others.

Are you wanting them to back off and drop the topic? Then I’m sorry, but you’re deliberately manipulating the pattern of behavior to avoid changing and criticism.

“I am [x]” is a declarative statement that invites contradiction and is meant to incite a specific reaction (self abuse > comfort). “I feel like [x]” is a passive statement meant to inform without placing the burden of responsibility solely on your partner. It still isn’t ideal, but if your aim is to simply communicate how you feel it’s better.