The Massive Continuity of Ducks

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“"Network’s Down” or The epic saga of Satan’s Accountant

This is one of my favourite stories from r/talesfromtechsupport originally posted by u/Ravenlunatic

Note: The acronym CPA stands for Certified Public Accountant. I’ll try to annotate any technical terms as we go.

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[Part one - New accounting manager’s first day on the job was a bad sign of things to come.](https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2hx5sd/new_accounting_managers_first_day_on_the_job_was/)

So we get a new Accounting Manager, and I was asked by HR to show her some of the IT ropes, introduce her to how to access various things on her PC and verify she’s setup and ready to go. This is SOP [Standard Operating Practice] so no biggie, it’s her first day on the job, as an ACCOUNTING MANAGER (position is key).

So after getting everything setup, and showing her VPN, email, file server, etc…. I asked if she had any more questions, she said no, and I said if you need anything let me know. She seemed pleasant enough.

About 2 hours later, I’m at my cube when she stops by and says “I need help, can you come swing by as soon as you can, it’s urgent”.

I say “no problem, give me a few minutes and I’ll be down.” She lost some of pleasantness and left seemingly upset I didn’t take off after her.

A few minutes later, I poke my head in her office and ask her what’s wrong.

Her: “My desktop calculator isn’t working” (it was one that required power, printed the numbers out on the receipt paper).

Me: “Is it plugged in?”

Her “You tell me”

I look, clearly the plug is just laying there on the ground.
Me ³"Doesn’t look like it, there’s the plug"

Her “Okay” waiting for me to plug it in…

Me “It should work when you plug it in”

Her (audible sigh) “I’m just terrible with those kinds of things”

Me “Just put the plug in the outlet, it’s just like a lamp at home”

Her “Seriously? This is IT stuff”

Me “It’s a electric adding machine, if you plug it in and it doesn’t work talk to the office manager and she can order you a new one”

I just walked away, that was the start of so many things to come….

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[Part two - Satan’s CPA “NETWORK’s DOWN!”](https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2hzx1x/satans_cpa_networks_down/)

[Note: from this point on the person in part one is named SCPA (Satan’s CPA)]

This lady worked for us for a 1 year and ½ or so, and made my (IT) life miserable. There was never a single incident that topped day one, but her approach to IT was less than professional. I’ll do my best to sum up her time with a few stories in TFTS. It does ultimately end well for me.

So about a week goes by and I don’t hear much from SCPA, and I’m thinking maybe she was just nervous on her first day. Then it happens, and this would be recurring nails across the chalkboard screeching that would happen more times than I care to remember.

SCPA very loudly from her office addressing no one in particular: “NETWORK’S DOWN!”

Our office is fairly small, but big enough you’d have to be quite loud for your voice to carry from Accounting Dept to IT Dept.

I think, oh crap. What’s wrong? I immediately start checking systems before I go to investigate, we hadn’t any major outages in years and sure enough everything is up. So I make my way to her office.

Me: “What’s wrong?”

SCPA: “Network’s down, nothing is working”

Me: “I just checked and asked around before stopping here, everything is working, what can’t you get to?”

SCPA: “Look, my email isn’t working” click click, bang bang “see nothing, it’s not getting email and i know my husband sent me an email”

So I look at it and it looks like she just minimized the password window which is required and she was told about.

Me: “You need to enter your password, you can’t just close this window”

She does and emails populate and she goes back to work and says nothing.

For the remainder of her time here this is how she would report any PC issues: “NETWORK’S DOWN!” Not a single time did the network ever go down. So after several months of this, I decide to address her approach as her team is starting to pick up on her attitude towards IT and our rep is starting to go down with management due to “Network Downtime”

SCPA: “NETWORK’S DOWN!”

I don’t even check the systems, and begrudgingly walk down to see her.

Me: blank stare “what is it?”

SCPA: “I can’t get into online accounting system, again”

Me: “Last time it was due to a bad link from an email, is the link right?”(yes, she actually complained the network was down, because a bad hyperlink in an email)

SCPA: “Yeah, link is fine, here’s the website I can’t get in, there is a problem with the network, there’s always a problem with the network, I need to be able to work, that’s all I want to do”

Me: “The network is fine and has been fine, let’s see what’s going on”. Turns out she was locked out of her account due to failed login attempts. I request a password reset and boom she’s in. Now time to address her approach to IT

Me: “SCPA, Listen, when you have an IT issue, can you please submit a ticket to our helpdesk, or shoot me an email, IM, or even stop by? Shouting network down is kind of causing a disruption and it causes people to stop working because they think something is wrong and it’s even affecting your team”

SCPA: “If the system worked, I wouldn’t need to complain, I can’t help it, I have a lot of stuff to do, and when I can’t work, it’s frustrating, and "my team” (she did air quotes) needs info from me. If I can’t get work done, they can’t get work done, hence “network’s down” (second air quotes)

Me: Sigh “Please just open a ticket, that way we can track our "network down” (I used air quotes. :) ) issues to see what can be done"

That was my life for the next year or so, I had to create a spreadsheet to log every “network’s down” issue. This proved useful later on.

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[Part three - Missed Deadlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2i0m6n/satans_cpa_accounting_team_keeps_missing/)

After a few months, there is an obvious strain on the relationship between IT and Accounting. We went from a professional group to a bunch of finger pointers, users are no longer creating tickets for Tier 1 help (password resets, printer issues, etc….) and there is just a bunch of complaining.

I also start noticing a trend: I’m getting overwhelmed with “I can’t get my work done, I have a huge project due today and the system is down” from that team.

We have a helpdesk for a reason, there are going to be issues that need to be taken care of, however if you don’t report them for 3 weeks and only decide to mention the day your work is due…yeah, that’s a problem.

SCPA email to CFO/Raven/Raven’s boss: “Raven, for the 4th period in a row Huey/Louie/Dewey have not been able to turn in work on time due to issues with IT. This can’t continue to happen as I need their work to submit to CFO which has continued to be turned in late as a result. What can be down to fix this? WE CANNOT CONTINUE TO WORK LIKE THIS!”

CFO (reply all) “Raven, I have noticed this as well. Is our network being maxed out with everyone accessing at once? The last few months in general there seems to have been quite a few network issues” /headdesk

Raven’s boss(reply all) “CFO, in terms of the network that has not been the case at all. Raven can offer more detail. In terms of the system being maxed out, i don’t believe that is the case either, Raven can offer more detail”

Me (reply all): Attached is a spreadsheet offering detail on every “unofficially” reported network downtime. Please note that the network has not gone down even once. There appears to be some confusion between a network/service outage vs an enduser issue. Also attached are the official reported Helpdesk cases. Note: no downtime. In regards to systems seemingly going down or being inaccessible during key times, I believe this to be self inflicted by the end users. They wait weeks on end before reporting that they can’t “access a system” and come running over to me for help, when I ask “when did this start”, it’s always “I haven’t been able to access for weeks”, but they’re just telling me today because they need it. We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken or reset PWs we don’t know are forgotten. SCPA, if you can please remind your team to reach out to our HD [Help desk] when an issue is noticed immediately, this will likely result in less late projects. Our network can handle the workload.

SCPA reply to Raven’s boss/CFO: This isn’t really acceptable to point the finger back our way. My team does not do what he described. The network is constantly down, and he conveniently leaves off any real issues on that wasted spreadsheet.

(My boss forwarded me the email)

Boss’s email to CFO/SCPA: We’ll continue to monitor.

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[Part four: The setup, the delivery, and Satan’s CPA provides the payoff.](https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2i3hhv/the_setup_the_delivery_and_satans_cpa_provides/)

So after the last email, things quiet down to some degree. SCPA’s attitude and behavior doesn’t change much, but the email blasts die off and I pretty much determine that this is how work will be, I’m not getting any flak from my boss or CFO so I’m not stressing it. Then it happens.

CFO: “I just received an email indicating there is a new version of our Document Management Software (DMS) available, can we upgrade?”

Me: “I’ll look into it, shouldn’t an issue”

I should mention that our CFO was the one who instituted the DMS, he relies on it heavily and expects his accounting team to use it daily for everything for auditing purposes/version control, etc…

I should also mention that we’ve upgraded the DMS in the past, but it’s kind of a pain because it requires that I or the HelpDesk physically update (no central deployment) the client on every users’ PC as client version has to match the server version otherwise they can’t connect. “WAIT A SECOND”…If I upgrade the server, inform the CFO of the scenario, and then SCPA and her team do what I say they’ve been doing then…“nah, that’s too perfect, that won’t happen”

Me: email to all Corp employees: “Next Fri 10/13, we will be upgrading our DMS to provide totally new and cool features. It’s important to note that after we update the server, we have to physically update the client on your machine or your DMS WON’T WORK. The update requires you to be logged in with your active profile and a reboot. On Mon 10/15 at your earliest convenience contact the HD or myself to get updated. DMS will not be accessible until your PC is updated. If you have any concerns please let me know”

As expected no one emails me.

10/13 Fri evening

Me: “CFO, everyone is gone and if it’s okay with you and you’re out of DMS I’m going to start the upgrade”

CFO: “Yup, I’m good, go for it”

Me: “As I mentioned, I have to update the client on everyone’s PC or they can’t login to DMS. It won’t work until I do so, including yours” I give him a look hoping he gets what I’m implying

CFO: “Understood.” He does.

DMS upgraded, have a lovely weekend, time to go back to work early Monday morning for a long day of client upgrades

Week 1: Early Monday morning I get 1 email asking to be upgraded, it’s from the CFO. Before I upgrade him, I show him the error people will get if they try to access the DMS “Client Server Version Mismatch” I upgrade him and he’s good.

That’s the only upgrade I do that day, I check the HD cases, no upgrades. I go the entire week without updating a single client DMS.

Week 2: Upgrade requests 0

Week 3: Upgrade requests 2: Huey and Louie request an upgrade(good for them)

Week 4: Upgrade requests 10 (all placed within about 10 min of each other, the HD manager informs me)

So at this point I’m expecting “NETWORK’S DOWN!” Nope.

SCPA email to CFO/Raven’s Boss/Raven/Her Team (marked urgent): “CFO, as I’ve noted, we continue to have multiple IT issues. Today, I’m unable to run the reports you require due to DMS outage. I’ve attached a screen shot (Client/Server Mismatch) so Raven can update his spreadsheet. I’m not sure how we can continue to operate this way as a business. I’ve never seen an IT system with so many issues. Once DMS issue is resolved, I’ll do my best to get the reports to you as quickly as possible but they will be late, but that is beyond my control!”

Wait, did that really just happen, I read that wrong. Let me read that again. Yup. By the time, I finished reading it a 2nd time and before I or my boss could reply:

CFO email to Raven/Raven’s boss: “Don’t respond or update her PC, I’ll handle.”

Seconds later, I see the CFO walking by my cube and into her office and closes the door. I don’t know exactly what was said (no, she wasn’t fired), but the next 5ish months at work were absolute bliss. Not a single “NETWORK’S DOWN”. Miraculously SCPA’s team started opening cases with the HD. I had nearly 5 months of basically no interaction with them, everything was great until:

SCPA: “NETWORK’S DOWN!”

Apparently SCPA had put in her 2 weeks notice and planned on reverting to old ways.

No, this is not where this tale ends…….

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[Part five: Satan’s CPA did sign the BYOD Policy from HR.](https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2i46ss/satans_cpa_did_sign_the_byod_policy_from_hr/)

[Note: BYOD means “bring your own device”. In this context it means that staff can use their own phone for work purposes.]

All good things must come to an end.

Did I mention SCPA had a cell phone? No? Well to be fair, up until now it wasn’t really relevant. It’s relevant now.

We basically have 3 different options when it comes to cell phones.

Option1: We issue a new number on corp plan (number is owned by company).

Option2: You can use personal phone number, we’ll reimburse monthly provided you fill out the forms (you own the number)

Option3: We agree to assume financial responsibility of your personal cell number and put it on our corporate account and provided we part ways amicably we’ll release the number back to you (this is done by those that want us to pay for the number, but don’t want to hassle with reimbursement requests.)

She went with option 3, signed the BYOD policy regarding this.

It’s SCPA’s last day and she is finishing up doing whatever it is she does, and the CFO stops by:

CFO: “At 5pm today, can you please terminate SCPA’s access to all systems, however we’ve made an arrangement with her to keep her cell number on our corp account until she is able to get switched over, she has 2 weeks to complete this. During this time she’s agreed to answer any questions we may have about anything she was working on”

Me: “Okay” I get her personal account information, formally release the number. All she has to do at this point is contact Verizon and the number is hers. I set my Calendar.

Fast forward 2 weeks, I come into the office fire off the email to Verizon Support: “Please cancel (666)666-6666” If SCPA did what she was supposed to, I’ll get an email back stating this number isn’t on my account and the request can not be completed.

VZ Support: “Your request has been processed.” - oh crap. here we go.

About 2 hours later

Reception: “Raven, SCPA is on the phone, do you want to talk to her”

Me: “Yup”

SCPA (from her Husband’s cell): “MY PHONE ISN’T WORKING! I’m travelling and I need it”

Me: “It’s been 2 weeks, I was told to send the cancellation request. The number has been cancelled” I hear her take a deep breath, I think she’s grasping the situation.

SCPA: “WHAT!?!? You cancelled it, you can’t do that, you need to get the number back. I need my phone.”

Me: “Sorry, the request was already processed, the number is likely gone”

SCPA apologetically: “Oh no. I will request the transfer today, I didn’t realize it had been so long, I’m so sorry, can you get it back”

Now anyone who has to deal with VZ enterprise knows that the consumer VZ dept and enterprise VZ dept don’t exactly play well together. While I could probably get her number reactivated, reauthorize the transfer and she could get it, it would require some additional effort. If not, that number goes back into the pool. So I shoot the CFO an IM.

Me: “SCPA never transferred her number and I cancelled it this morning now she is requesting we reactivate so she can get it back. Are we under any obligation to do so?”

CFO: “No.”

Me: “SCPA, yeah, I’m sorry, it’s already been processed, not much I can do, you can try to call them and see what they say”

SCPA: “This can’t be, is there any-”

Huey is now standing at my desk. Me:“Hang on SCPA” -mutes phone

Huey: “I can’t login into SAP, when you’re done with your call can you help?”

Me: “Sure, give me a sec” unmutes phone.

Me: “Sorry SCPA, network’s down. I gotta go.” - click.

THE END.

*I am not the OP. The OP is u/Ravenlunatic*

Edit: updated with links to the original posts.“

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/x0z0cr/networks_down_or_the_epic_saga_of_satans/
r/BestofRedditorUpdates - "Network's Down" or The epic saga of Satan's Accountant
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Oscar Isaac in b&w…that’s it, that’s the post 🥵